The Data Cake Of Broken Dreams

Content Twotypes of people in Standup Yesterday I fixed an issue that occurred when parsing the JSON object received from fronted, I added the missing keys and created unit tests that cover all scenarios. I enhanced the performance as well by adding some missing joins to the SQL query which reduced the overall loading time of the endpoint. I tested the code on staging and everything was working fine so by the end of the day I deployed to production. Fixedan issue nasser. junior

Behold, the perfect metaphor for every "I'll fix it later" database design. That Polish town is what happens when junior devs store everything in one massive table—address, name, payment info, order history, favorite color, and probably their grandmother's maiden name too. Database normalization exists for a reason, folks. Without it, you're just cramming 6,000 entities onto a single street called "users_table_v2_FINAL_ACTUALLY_FINAL.sql" and wondering why your queries take longer than a Windows update.

Content 1000 FRESHLY FORGED SWORDS! WHEW! FINALLY DONE! NOW THEY'LL HAVE TO START CALLING ME OLACK THE BLACKSMITH AND NOT HEY! AREN'T YOU OLACK THE GIT FORCE PUSHER? THAT WAS ONE TIME! SWORDSCOMIC.COM SWORDS COLXVII

Content Based on a true story: xxx: OK, so, our build engineer has left for another company. The dude was literally living inside the terminal. You know, that type of a guy who loves Vim, creates diagrams in Dot and writes wiki-posts in Markdown... If something - anything - requires more than 90 seconds of his time, he writes a script to automate that. xxx: So we're sitting here, looking through his, uhm, "legacy" xxx: You're gonna love this xxx: smack-my-bitch-up.sh - sends a text message "late at work" to his wife (apparently). Automatically picks reasons from an array of strings, randomly. Runs inside a cron-job. The job fires if there are active SSH-sessions on the server after 9pm with his login. xxx: kumar-asshole.sh - scans the inbox for emails from "Kumar" (a DBA at our clients). Looks for keywords like "help" "trouble" "sorry" etc. If keywords are found - the script SSHes into the clients server and rolls back the staging database to the latest backup. Then sends a reply "no worries mate, be careful next time". xxx: hangover.sh - another cron-job that is set to specific dates. Sends automated emails like "not feeling wellgonna work from home" etc. Adds a random "reason" from another predefined array of strings. Fires if there are no interactive sessions on the server at 8:45am. xxx: (and the oscar goes to) fucking-coffee.sh - this one waits exactly 17 seconds (!), then opens a telnet session to our coffee-machine (we had no frikin idea the coffee machine is on the network, runs linux and has a TCP socket up and running) and sends something like sys brew . Turns out this thing starts brewing a mid-sized half- caf latte and waits another 24 (!) seconds before pouring it into a cup. The timing is exactly how long it takes to walk to the machine from the dudes desk. xxx: holy sht l'm keeping those

Content Python: What if everything was a dict? Java: What if everything was an object? JavaScript: What if everything was a dict and an object? C: What if everything was a pointer? APL: What if everything was an array? Tel: What if everything was a string? Prolog: What if everything was a term? LISP: What if everything was a pair? Scheme: What if everything was a function? Haskell: What if everything was a monad? Assembly: What if everything was a register? Cog: What if everything was a typeproposition? COBOL: WHAT IF EVERYTHING WAS UPPERCASE? C: What if everything was like Java, but different? Ruby: What if everything was monkey patched? Pascal: BEGIN What if everything was structured? END C: What if we added everything to the language? C11: What if we forgot to stop adding stuff? Rust: What if garbage collection didn't exist? Go: What if we tried designing C a second time? Perl: What if shell, sed, and awk were one language? Peri6: What if we took the joke too far? PHP: What if we wanted to make SQL injection easier? VB: What if we wanted to allow anyone to program? VB.NET: What if we wanted to stop them again? Forth: What if everything was a stack? ColorForth: What if the stack was green? PostScript: What if everything was printed at 600dpi? XSLT: What if everything was an XML element? Make: What if everything was a dependency? m4: What if everything was incomprehensibly quoted? Scala: What if Haskell ran on the JVM? Clojure: What if LISP ran on the JVM? Lua: What if game developers got tired of C? Mathematica: What if Stephen Wolfram invented everything? Malbolge: What if there is no god? nixcraft

Content CHLO chlothegod Y'all pronounce it data or data? RJ itsrihill I'm mad that I read these words in two different ways... but you're trippin if you think it's data and not data