Make It Make Sense, Google

Ah, the classic "did you type your password too quickly? DENIED!" scenario. Twenty years in this industry and websites are still pulling this garbage. Some frontend dev thought they were clever by checking how fast you type your password, as if speed equals automation. Meanwhile, the rest of us are just trying to log in before our coffee gets cold. The best part? The site doesn't even check if the password is correct - just that you didn't type it "suspiciously fast." Brilliant security theater from the same people who probably store your password as plaintext in a CSV file somewhere.

Churchill gets up thinking he's being honored, but nope—it's Alan Turing, the OG computer scientist who cracked the Enigma code while Churchill was just drinking tea and making speeches. The speaker's savage "sit down" moment perfectly captures how programmers feel when managers try to take credit for our work. Turing literally invented modern computing while being criminally underappreciated. Next time your PM says "we built this feature," remember this meme and silently seethe.

Windows Defender out here flexing those muscles while other antivirus software just sits in the corner eating resources. Remember when we paid for third-party antivirus that would slow your machine to a crawl? Now the built-in option is somehow the chad of the security world. The tables have turned so hard they've got splinters.

The most brutal tech diagnosis ever: "Skill Issue." Cloudflare's error page casually roasting Twitter (ahem, X) with surgical precision while your browser and their servers are just vibing. That "Git gud" advice to website owners is the digital equivalent of telling someone who's car broke down to "try driving better." Thanks Cloudflare, I'm sure Twitter will frame this helpful feedback right next to their office ping pong table.

Companies spending millions on fancy security programs only to have some exec use "admin/admin" as their credentials is the digital equivalent of installing a bank vault door on a cardboard box. The CISO builds this elaborate security fortress while some VP is basically leaving the keys under the doormat. And the best part? When the inevitable breach happens, guess who gets blamed? Not the genius who thought "admin" was a password that would stump hackers from 1995.

In Rust, you have to explicitly mark code as unsafe when you're about to do something that might summon demons from the ninth circle of memory hell. Meanwhile in C++, the entire language is basically one giant unsafe block where dangling pointers and buffer overflows are just part of the authentic experience. It's like driving a car with no seatbelts, airbags, or brakes—but hey, at least it's fast! The irony is that in C++, the unsafe part is invisible—it's just assumed you enjoy living dangerously. Rust at least has the courtesy to make you type out "I know what I'm doing" before it lets you shoot yourself in the foot.