PHP Is Inevitable

Content ?php header ("Content-type: texthtml; charsetutf-8"); This is a warning to any poor soul who may have to deal with this code. I took over this criminal piece of chaos from a monkey named Joel who I assume had been given a typewriter by Mephistopheles himself. For reasons I have yet been unable to fathom, he decided to patch together this thing using a BaseX setup hardwired into an unfixably broken Manjaro VM, queried by a handwritten plate of uncommented PH spaghetti fit to feed an army of people with a serious death wish, without any framework or CMS. The very long BaseX script, very long PH presenter and very long XSLT stylesheet mostly perform the same heuristic document structuring for different components and are supposed to produce compatible results, but I bet they have mismatches somewhere. Since Prof. T just wanted a few small functional enhancements, I decided to just patch it and keep the general setup. Unless you were hired to correct some spelling mistakes, DO NOT FOLLOW IN MY STEPS. Putting up with this simulation of how a goldfish would design a system has literally given me CLINICAL DEPRESSION. This is not an exaggeration, I am writing this after a prolonged medical therapy - mostly successful, thanks for asking, but not fun. I wouldn't wish this code on anybody who isn't a manager at Oracle or Facebook, and therefore give you this sincere advice: Nuke this. Take the XSLT if you must, and then nuke the app and recreate it in Django or whatever works for you. I would do it myself, but I risked a relapse simply by opening this file again to write this comment. Dear brother or sister, I wish you all the luck and strength in the world and hope it will be enough. Farewell. error reporting (E ALL); ini set ("display errors", true); print '?xmi version"1.o" encoding"UTFg" 7'

Content DISPLAY Developer SetupGuide.tt Welcome to the leopals active development team! Setting up should be easy and you'll be able to be productive in just a few minutes, right? WRONG, BITCH! WELCOME TO HELL What, did you seriously think this 10 million year old website was going to have a clean, maintainable codebase? Welcome to the obfuscated-single-PHP-file-200-page-website pain zone friend! that you cop lookinfint jou concentrated as fastrof, Impost beret, un-testable as they can. What's that, you want some actual advice on the codebase? Yeah, open that shit right up and go ahead, I'll wait. Or, not, because by the time you're done understanding it I'll be fucking dead. What's that sound? You're regretting not joining the art team instead? Understandable - sometimes I also want to leave this place to lovingly create innocent character designs and watch people make terrabytes of low quality porn of it the next day. 1010. Here's your setup guide: Step 1: Find a loaded revolver Step 2: Track down everyone responsible for this mess Step 3: ??? Step 4: IT'S STILL BROKEN AS FUCK. One time I changed the login button color and it broke the battle system. What the fuck. Anyway, that should get you going! If you have any questions, I suggest you pray for the sweet release of death. -Thomas (-

Content Python: What if everything was a dict? Java: What if everything was an object? JavaScript: What if everything was a dict and an object? C: What if everything was a pointer? APL: What if everything was an array? Tel: What if everything was a string? Prolog: What if everything was a term? LISP: What if everything was a pair? Scheme: What if everything was a function? Haskell: What if everything was a monad? Assembly: What if everything was a register? Cog: What if everything was a typeproposition? COBOL: WHAT IF EVERYTHING WAS UPPERCASE? C: What if everything was like Java, but different? Ruby: What if everything was monkey patched? Pascal: BEGIN What if everything was structured? END C: What if we added everything to the language? C11: What if we forgot to stop adding stuff? Rust: What if garbage collection didn't exist? Go: What if we tried designing C a second time? Perl: What if shell, sed, and awk were one language? Peri6: What if we took the joke too far? PHP: What if we wanted to make SQL injection easier? VB: What if we wanted to allow anyone to program? VB.NET: What if we wanted to stop them again? Forth: What if everything was a stack? ColorForth: What if the stack was green? PostScript: What if everything was printed at 600dpi? XSLT: What if everything was an XML element? Make: What if everything was a dependency? m4: What if everything was incomprehensibly quoted? Scala: What if Haskell ran on the JVM? Clojure: What if LISP ran on the JVM? Lua: What if game developers got tired of C? Mathematica: What if Stephen Wolfram invented everything? Malbolge: What if there is no god? nixcraft

Content ISOLVED ABUGIN PHP! I KNOW PHP

Content 1995: PHP is dead, learn ColdFusion 2002: PHP is dead, learn ASP.net 2003: PHP is dead, learn Django 2004: PHP is dead, learn Ruby on Rails 2010: PHP is dead, learn Flask 2011: PHP is dead, learn AngularIS 2016: PHP is dead, learn Next.j 2022: PHP is dead, learn Python 2023: HOW THE HELL IS THIS DUDE STILL ALIVE

So apparently there's an annual meeting for technologies everyone pretends to hate but secretly can't live without. PHP 6 showed up (a version that famously never even released), IPv5 (skipped because it was experimental), and Windows 9 (Microsoft jumped straight to 10 because... reasons?). The irony? These "unhated" technologies are either vaporware or intentionally skipped versions. They're not hated—they literally don't exist in production. It's like having a support group for imaginary friends. Fun fact: IPv5 was actually an experimental Internet Stream Protocol that got abandoned in favor of IPv6. PHP 6 died because of Unicode implementation nightmares, and Windows 9 was skipped possibly to avoid compatibility issues with legacy code checking for "Windows 9*" (Windows 95/98). So yeah, the only thing these technologies have in common is that they all ghosted us.