Works Locally (And Makes $70K)

Nothing says "Happy Holidays" quite like your entire Apple ecosystem deciding to update simultaneously at 12%. The laptop's upgrading, the phone's boot-looping, and the iPad's doing... whatever iPads do when they're stuck on the Apple logo. It's like they all got together and said, "You know what would be fun? Let's all brick ourselves on Christmas morning." The best part? You can't even Google the error codes because your phone is also dead. So you just sit there, watching progress bars move slower than your sprint velocity, wondering if maybe this is a sign to spend time with your family instead. Spoiler: it's not, you need to fix this ASAP. Pro tip from someone who's been there: always keep one device NOT updating. It's called redundancy, and it's not just for production servers.

Oh great, now I can disappoint my manager while checking the time! Someone actually got VS Code running on an Apple Watch, which is both impressive and completely unnecessary—like implementing blockchain in a todo app. Sure, the screen is tiny, the keyboard non-existent, and you'll develop carpal tunnel in your neck from squinting, but hey—you can technically say "I'm coding" while pretending to check if it's time for lunch yet. The saddest part? Some startup is definitely adding "Apple Watch compatible" to their job requirements as we speak.

Developer: "I F***ING HATE YOU AND HOPE YOU DIE" QA: "I will rotate phone to test new feature" Ah, the beautiful relationship between devs and QA. Dev just finished building a pixel-perfect UI that works flawlessly in portrait mode. Then QA comes along with their diabolical testing methods, like *checks notes* rotating the phone. Suddenly everything's broken, overflow errors everywhere, buttons disappear into the void. The dev's masterpiece crumbles because someone dared to use the device as intended. Classic.

You think your golden iPhone is impressive? Cute. Meanwhile I'm carrying around enough RAM sticks to run a small data center. While normies flex their overpriced status symbols, we're out here hoarding hardware like dragons sitting on treasure piles. That wallet isn't storing credit cards—it's a portable server farm. Sure, your phone costs $1,500, but I've got $800 worth of DDR4 just casually chilling where normal people keep their driver's license. The real flex is explaining to TSA why your wallet sets off metal detectors and contains what looks like tiny circuit boards. "Sir, is that... RAM?" "Yes officer, 64GB of it. You never know when you need to download more memory."

OH MY GOD, LOOK AT THAT CHART! Grok with 25 updates while everyone else is barely crawling with 2-3? Honey, that's not "evolving faster" – that's the digital equivalent of throwing spaghetti at the wall and seeing what sticks! 💅 When your app needs TWENTY-FIVE updates in two weeks, you're not winning the AI race – you're winning the "our first version was a catastrophic dumpster fire" award! The rest of those companies are just sitting there like "maybe test before release?" But who has time for that when you're busy being REVOLUTIONARY?! The absolute DRAMA of bragging about how many times you had to fix your broken toy. Next up: "My car is the fastest because I've replaced the engine 25 times this month!"

File management difficulty tier list, where each tier requires increasingly galaxy-brain solutions: Windows/Linux: Basic brain. Just drag, drop, copy, paste. Child's play. Android: Enlightened brain. Where did that download go? Why can't I access that folder? Is it in internal storage or SD card? Who knows! Chrome OS: Ascended brain. "What's a file system?" —Google, probably. iPhone: Transcendent cosmic brain. Want to move a PDF? First sacrifice your firstborn, then jailbreak your phone, then realize Apple never intended for you to actually own your files in the first place. It's not a bug, it's a "feature."