Someone Cooked Here

The brutal truth from a seasoned dev who's seen too many startups crash and burn. While security professionals are having panic attacks about SQL injection, the average "vibe-based" app developer is just trying to ship something— anything —that someone might actually use. That "move fast and break things" mentality isn't just a motto—it's financial survival. Your app with military-grade encryption is worthless if nobody wants it. The harsh reality? Most apps die from irrelevance, not hackers. Security can always be patched later... if you're lucky enough to have users who care.

When your pickup line is literally just recounting global infrastructure failures, you know you've reached peak developer romance. Bringing up that time half the internet went down is apparently the new "Do you come here often?" The girl's reaction says it all—she's either genuinely impressed that someone else was also refreshing their status page every 30 seconds during the outage, or she's plotting her escape route. Either way, this conversation is going better than Cloudflare's uptime that day. Pro tip: If mentioning DNS failures gets you this kind of response, you've found your soulmate. Time to move on to discussing your favorite HTTP status codes on the second date.

BEHOLD! The ancient Google homepage from 1999 - back when the internet was an innocent utopia and Google was just a "pure search engine" without all the modern baggage! 😭 Look at this prehistoric artifact claiming "no news feed, no links to sponsors, no ads, no distractions" - I am DECEASED! 💀 Fast forward to today where Google tracks your every digital breath, serves you personalized ads before you even THINK about wanting something, and knows more about your browsing habits than your therapist! This is like finding a picture of your ex before they turned into a complete nightmare. So pure. So simple. So TRAGICALLY gone forever!

American developers reaching for their debugging tool of choice when someone suggests running JavaScript on the server. Node.js advocates better run for cover! The only thing more dangerous than JavaScript's type coercion is a developer who's been forced to debug asynchronous callback hell at 2 AM. Second amendment rights apparently extend to protecting your codebase from terrible architectural decisions.

Remember when "hacking" meant editing the HTML in your browser and taking a screenshot? Nothing says "elite hacker" like right-clicking, hitting inspect element, and changing NASA's homepage text to "I'm in the mainframe!" The number of relatives who thought I was one keyboard shortcut away from jail time after showing them this trick was truly concerning. Bonus points if you added some green text on black background for maximum "Hollywood hacker" aesthetic.

Ah yes, the classic "let me massively over-engineer this simple problem" approach. Nothing says "I'm a serious developer" like creating an entire utils file just to house that one sad, lonely function that converts a string to uppercase. It's like buying a mansion for your pet rock. Sure, your code structure might look impressive in the pull request, but we all know you're just trying to make those 3 lines of code feel important.