First Thing I Disable, Holy Hell

Innocent newbie: "I'll just use array.sort() to sort these numbers!" JavaScript: *sorts lexicographically* "Did I stutter?" Nothing says "welcome to JavaScript" quite like discovering your numbers are being sorted as strings. That moment when you realize you need array.sort((a,b) => a-b) and question all your life choices that led you to web development. It's basically JavaScript's hazing ritual - "Oh, you thought programming would make sense? That's adorable."

The eternal truth of programming education: beginners gravitate toward random YouTube tutorials by enthusiastic Indian instructors, completely ignoring the senior developer with actual battle scars who sits right next to them. It's like having Gordon Ramsay offer to cook you dinner, but you'd rather watch a TikTok of someone microwaving a Hot Pocket. The 7-year veteran silently weeps as his hard-earned knowledge gets trumped by "Hello friends, today we will be learning..."

The tech industry's time paradox in pixel-perfect form! Entry-level jobs that somehow require you to have been coding since the Nixon administration. Grandpa's been slinging COBOL since 1959 and even HE can't land a job. Meanwhile, recruiters want junior devs with 10 years of experience in a 3-year-old framework. The only true entry-level position is apparently "time traveler with programming skills." Maybe we should all just learn COBOL and wait for the legacy systems to have their revenge!

Remember when software had actual names with meaning? In the 80s, we named weather prediction software "Aeolus" after the Greek god of winds, complete with a mythological map logo and probably a 500-page manual nobody read. Fast forward to today: "Is it windy? WINDLY™! The logo is literally a 'W' in a circle." Because apparently our creativity died along with our attention spans. Next up: a calculator app called "MATHY" with the groundbreaking tagline "it does math, probably."

The classic developer-user relationship in its natural habitat. The programmer sits there in shock watching the user drink software straight from a cup like it's morning coffee. Meanwhile, the user has no idea why anything's wrong – they're just trying to use the product in ways no sane developer could have anticipated. After 15 years in this industry, I've learned that no matter how idiot-proof you make your interface, the universe just builds a better idiot. The real skill isn't writing code – it's predicting the creative ways users will break it.

Regular insults? Pfft . Programmers have evolved beyond such primitive attacks. Why call someone "ugly" when you can utterly devastate them by pointing out that Microsoft's stock value plummets every time they write a line of code? The cat's deadpan delivery is the perfect embodiment of programmer humor—ruthlessly precise, financially quantifiable, and delivered with the cold, calculating stare of someone who's debugged legacy code at 4AM. It's not personal... it's just statistically significant.