Cobol Memes

Posts tagged with Cobol

Legacy Code: The Load-Bearing Documentation

Legacy Code: The Load-Bearing Documentation
STOP. EVERYTHING. The absolute DRAMA of legacy code documentation! Those sacred tomes stacked like the Tower of Babel with their passive-aggressive "THESE BOOKS ARE HERE FOR AN ESSENTIAL STRUCTURAL PURPOSE. THEY ARE NOT FOR SALE." I'm DYING! 💀 It's the perfect metaphor for that ancient codebase nobody dares touch! You know, the one written by that developer who left 7 years ago? The documentation exists PURELY as load-bearing structure holding the entire system together while everyone tiptoes around it whispering "Don't touch it... it works... somehow..." The sheer audacity of those books screaming "I'M ESSENTIAL BUT UNTOUCHABLE" is literally every legacy system that runs the world's banking infrastructure on COBOL from 1983. Touch at your peril, mortals!

The Real Heroes Of Programming

The Real Heroes Of Programming
Look at us flexing with our fancy Python, JavaScript, and LLM integrations while the entire banking system runs on COBOL written by someone who retired in 1997. The real heroes aren't the bodybuilders showing off their shiny new frameworks—it's the lone programmer carrying decades of legacy code on their shoulders. Nothing says job security quite like being the only person who remembers how to maintain systems that process trillions of dollars daily but can't handle Y2K without duct tape and prayers.

The Last COBOL Developer Pic X(30)

The Last COBOL Developer Pic X(30)
Somewhere in Nebraska, a lone COBOL developer is literally holding up the digital world like Atlas himself. While tech bros brag about their microservices architecture, this unsung hero is silently preventing the financial apocalypse with code older than most developers' parents. Banks don't send thank you cards for averting economic collapse every Tuesday at 2 AM when the batch job mysteriously fails. The real infrastructure isn't in the cloud—it's in Nebraska, running on a language that uses "PIC X(30)" to define a string because it was cool in 1959.

I Was Told This Place Was About Programming Humors

I Was Told This Place Was About Programming Humors
Content R RAILS JS CSS Blood Yellow bile @soL COBOL (reg) ex/ Black bile TSA ust Phlegm

Everyone Has Their Favorite (And Will Fight To The Death For It)

Everyone Has Their Favorite (And Will Fight To The Death For It)
The peaceful Python enthusiast gets absolutely demolished by the language war veterans. JavaScript zealots, Java supremacists, and Rust evangelists are ready to throw hands over their preferred syntax... meanwhile ABAP and COBOL developers are just sweating nervously in the corner wondering if anyone remembers they exist. Nothing triggers developers quite like suggesting another language might be better for a task. After 15 years in the industry, I've learned the best programming language is whichever one pays your mortgage this month.

Wanna See My Digital Horror Collection?

Wanna See My Digital Horror Collection?
The classic "wanna see spaghetti?" pickup line, but make it programming! Nothing says "I'm a coding disaster" quite like offering to show someone your assembler, BASIC, old C code, or COBOL. It's the digital equivalent of opening your closet and having all the skeletons fall out at once. The real horror isn't in haunted houses—it's in legacy codebases written by developers who left the company 15 years ago with zero documentation.

Programming Language Personality Types

Programming Language Personality Types
This meme is basically the programming language version of a high school yearbook's "Most Likely To..." section, except it's brutally honest. Rust gets labeled "The fan favorite" because its zealous community will literally evangelize Rust at your grandmother's funeral if given the chance. Java as "Made to be hated" is just *chef's kiss* - a verbose language that forces you to create seventeen factory classes just to print "Hello World". Python as "The hot one" is spot on. Everyone wants to date Python these days, especially those AI folks who can't stop sliding into its DMs. C being "The only normal person" is that one friend who's been reliably showing up since the 70s without drama. Visual Studio (C#/.NET) gets "Uhh...what's your name again?" because Microsoft rebrands it every 37 minutes. PHP as "The gremlin" is perfect - it powers half the internet but everyone pretends they don't use it, like that weird cousin nobody mentions at family gatherings. C++ with "Mmm...society" is that pretentious intellectual who thinks they're too complex for mere mortals to understand. JavaScript being "Just straight up evil" is the universal truth that binds all developers together, like complaining about meetings. And COBOL getting "No screen time. All the plot relevance" is that ancient banking system quietly holding the entire financial world together while Gen Z developers argue about which new framework is cooler.

If It Can Be Written In Javascript It Will

If It Can Be Written In Javascript It Will
Ah, the inevitable JavaScript invasion question! The Social Security system runs on COBOL because it was built when dinosaurs roamed Silicon Valley. COBOL's delightful Y2K-ready feature: missing dates default to 1875, creating phantom 150-year-old benefit recipients. Meanwhile, JavaScript developers are wondering why they can't rewrite critical government infrastructure using npm packages that break every Tuesday. Because nothing says "reliable pension system" like a framework that's deprecated faster than milk expires. The real tragedy? If Social Security was written in JavaScript, those 150-year-olds would be getting NaN dollars per month while the system tries to figure out if their birthdate is truthy.

Every Developer's Kryptonite

Every Developer's Kryptonite
Just like vampires fear sunshine and Superman fears kryptonite, modern developers run screaming from COBOL code. That ancient green screen with its uppercase commands might as well be garlic to a vampire. The joke's on us though—those legacy COBOL systems still run 95% of ATM transactions and most airline booking systems. Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a 20-something React developer quite like being told "we need you to maintain this 60-year-old mainframe code." Career kryptonite indeed.

Inheritance Works Differently In Programming

Inheritance Works Differently In Programming
The joke here is a brilliant double entendre about inheritance. The first person mentions inheriting a COBOL codebase last touched by someone's mom in the 90s (literal inheritance), while the reply points out that's not how programming inheritance works (you know, the OOP concept where Child extends Parent, not where your actual parent leaves you legacy code). Nothing says "congratulations on your new job" quite like being handed 30-year-old COBOL that nobody understands anymore. The real inheritance tax is the mental breakdown you'll have trying to figure out why everything is in ALL CAPS and what PERFORM VARYING actually does.

Tale Of Two Code Migrations

Tale Of Two Code Migrations
OH SWEET MOTHER OF LEGACY CODE! On one side, IBM is using AI to translate ancient COBOL spells into modern Java incantations. On the other, some government agency named DOGE (not the meme, sadly) wants to rewrite MILLIONS of lines of Social Security code in MONTHS?! 😱 This is like watching two different approaches to defusing a nuclear bomb - one careful robot surgeon vs. a toddler with safety scissors and a "can-do" attitude. The entire financial future of American retirees hanging in the balance because someone thought "Hey, let's just YOLO this 60-year-old codebase real quick!" I'm having heart palpitations just thinking about it! For the uninitiated: COBOL is that programming language your grandpa used that refuses to die because it runs basically EVERYTHING important - banks, airlines, and yes, your social security checks. It's the digital equivalent of those load-bearing walls you definitely shouldn't knock down during your weekend renovation project.

Doge Plans To Rebuild SSA COBOL Codebase In Java In Months

Doge Plans To Rebuild SSA COBOL Codebase In Java In Months
Ah yes, the classic "let's rewrite decades of legacy code in a few months" fantasy. For those who don't know, COBOL is the programming equivalent of that ancient Nokia phone your grandpa still uses – outdated but somehow keeping entire nations running. Converting tens of millions of lines of COBOL that handle checks notes just the entire Social Security system to Java is like trying to transplant a whale's brain into a dolphin over a weekend. What could possibly go wrong? Just the financial security of every retiree in America. The best part is the "DOGE wants it done in months" bit. Nothing says "I've never written a line of code in my life" quite like thinking you can replace a 60-year-old system that processes trillions of dollars before your Jira subscription expires. Fun fact: The last time someone tried something similar, they spent $100 million and got absolutely nowhere. But hey, this time it'll be different because... reasons.