The Real Apocalypse

Content ..coo Verizon S 9:10 AM 0000 Verizon S 9:10 AM eco Verizon 9:10 AM What do vou know about material design? Oct 19, 2016, 10:22 PM Enough to know that Blue 600 is e88e5 hex codes are hot Damn boy let me GIT some of that So is iava wouldn't mind giving you a unit test Oh don't tease me like that hope you're agile, be this just became a standup meeting Only if I can call you CSS cause I like your style hope we can merge without any conflicts Let's do a pull request so we can commit and make it official call me scrum master cause I find all vour use cases Do you approach your sprints in waterfalls because you're making me wet the time and cost dont matter as long as I can scope out that ass Oat 19, 2016, 11112 PM Are you enterprise architecture because I like vour structure and how you operate Oct 20 2016, 762 AM fyi I'm sharing this convo with my coworkers Oh I'm 100 doing the same Oct 20 2018 8:27 AM hope vou're ready to deploy this package Oct 20.2016. 9:37 AM. Wanna come over later because I got a few things I want to demo from my local Oct 20, 2016, 11:28 AM as long as you can debug my performance girl let me gather vour reguirements 0620 2018 12:11 PM hopefully my user experience leaves vou satisfied ProgrammerHumor to

Who needs the LIMIT clause when you can just nuke 98.8% of your production data? That smug face is the perfect embodiment of a junior dev who just discovered DELETE FROM but hasn't yet discovered WHERE ROWNUM <= 500 . Meanwhile, the database admin is probably having heart palpitations in the next room. The best part? Those remaining 500 rows are probably corrupted by cascading deletes anyway!

The eternal holy war of array indexing. Programmers are divided into two camps: those who believe weeks should start on Monday (index 0) like ISO standard, and those who think Sunday (index 0) makes sense because... America? Meanwhile, JavaScript's Date object betrays everyone by making Sunday index 0 but Monday index 1. The real crime here isn't the starting day—it's that we're all wasting precious debugging hours arguing about it instead of fixing that memory leak nobody wants to touch.

The architectural equivalent of "it works on my machine." Two bricklayers casually building a wall that's so structurally unsound it would make a civil engineer have a panic attack. The random brick placement is basically what your codebase looks like after six consecutive all-nighters fueled by energy drinks and desperation. This is technical debt incarnate – that moment when you know you're writing garbage code but deadlines are looming and the client is breathing down your neck. Sure, the app runs... in exactly the same way this wall "stands" – through sheer audacity and a complete disregard for the laws of physics/clean code principles. Future you will absolutely hate past you for this decision. But hey, that's a problem for Monday-morning you!

HONEY, THE IMPOSTOR SYNDROME IS REAL! That's a black lab swimming with ducks who have NO IDEA they've been infiltrated by a completely different species! Just like when you've been copy-pasting ChatGPT code for a week straight and somehow convinced the entire engineering team you're a coding genius! The whole dev team is like "Great job on that algorithm!" while you're frantically Googling what a for-loop is. Swimming in a sea of competent developers while your brain is screaming "QUACK QUACK I'M TOTALLY A PROGRAMMER" is the most relatable thing ever. We're all just dogs in a duck pond pretending we know what we're doing!

Content Time spent "Programming" Browsing reddit Singing along to my "Focusing Music" Testing Blankly staring at the screen because I don't want to debug Re-testing even though I already know it works, just because it's satisfying Actually Coding