Master Of Scrum

Ah, the classic "if it ain't broke, break it" approach to software development! Guy's peacefully riding along with working code, then thinks "let's refactor this perfectly functional code to make it better " and BAM—face-plants spectacularly into dependency hell. This is basically every developer who's ever said "I'll just make a small improvement" at 4:55 PM on a Friday. The bike was fine until you decided to "optimize" it, genius. Next time maybe just commit the working version before you decide to "improve" it?

Ah, the classic "we want to exploit you but make it sound like opportunity" post. This CTO thinks wanting a guaranteed salary is a red flag, but his actual red flags are waving harder than a windmill in a hurricane: ✅ "Lines of code" as a performance metric ✅ Gamified "leaderboard" to pit devs against each other ✅ Mocking stable income as "playing it safe" ✅ Expecting "tens of thousands of lines per day" (physically impossible) ✅ Belittling testing and maintainable code Translation: "I want desperate coders who'll work 80-hour weeks chasing a bonus they'll never quite reach while I pay them peanuts." After 20 years in this industry, I've learned that any company measuring productivity by line count is where good code goes to die. The truly elite developers I know write less code, not more.

Ah, the corporate spin machine at its finest. When a developer points out the horrible UX, management doesn't fix it—they rebrand the bug as a feature. "Added friction to filter out low-intent users" is just executive speak for "our interface is so bad only desperate people will use it." The best part? The other developers just accept this nonsense with dead eyes. That MBA really taught them how to turn incompetence into strategy. Next week they'll probably call crashes "unexpected meditation opportunities."

Oh. My. GOD. The absolute TRAGEDY of software development methodologies laid bare! 😂 Waterfall is just straight-up DELUSIONAL - "Let's plan everything perfectly and then MAGICALLY end up on Mars!" Sure, Jan. 🙄 Agile is that friend who SWEARS they're going to Paris but ends up in their backyard. "We wanted Mars but settled for the Moon because REALITY HAPPENED, sweetie!" Kanban? More like Can't-Ban the endless sticky notes! A YEAR later and you're still begging for armrests while drowning in tiny tasks. The AUDACITY! Scrum is just organizational WHIPLASH. Disappear for a month, fail spectacularly, then have the NERVE to call a 15-minute meeting to start over? I'm DECEASED. ⚰️ And Lean Development? Honey, that's just poverty with WINGS ON A FIRECRACKER. The delusion of convincing investors that your dollar-store rocket might reach Mars "someday" is just *chef's kiss* PEAK STARTUP CULTURE.

Expectation: Working on a beach with a gentle breeze, sunshine, and margaritas. Reality: Still grinding code with the same deadlines, same bugs, same Slack notifications—just with sand in your laptop and sunburn on your shoulders. That "digital nomad" dream hits different when you realize you've just relocated your burnout to a prettier background. The view changes but the Jira tickets remain eternal.

The eternal corporate blame game in its natural habitat. Nobody actually knows how the feature works because the documentation disappeared into the same void where missing socks and project timelines go. QA points to Product, Product points to Engineering, and Engineering points right back because that's how we roll in software development. Meanwhile, the customer is sitting there wondering why they pay for this circus. The real documentation was the friends we made along the way.