Finally Landed A Job (Thanks Dad!)

Behold, the digital equivalent of leaving your front door wide open with a neon sign saying "ROBBERS WELCOME!" This masterpiece of security features: Fetching ALL user records into memory (because who needs efficiency?) Comparing passwords in plain text (encryption is overrated anyway) That magnificent if ("true" === "true") statement that always evaluates to true, making the function return false regardless of authentication success Setting a cookie that expires in 1 second (hope you type fast!) Hackers don't even need to try with this one. They can just wait for the inevitable security breach to happen on its own. It's like watching a car crash in slow motion, except the car is your entire user database.

The commitment to the bit is strong with this one. Some developers spend decades mastering languages and frameworks for practical career advancement. Then there's this absolute legend who spent seven years learning game development just to recreate a goose from Animal Crossing for a dad joke. This is the same energy as writing a custom sorting algorithm when you could just use Array.sort(). Or building your own JavaScript framework because React "doesn't meet your specific needs." We've all worked with that developer who takes the scenic route through hell when npm install would've done the trick. I'm not even mad. I'm impressed. This is what peak dedication looks like. Ship it.

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Ah yes, the classic developer flex that immediately backfires. Nothing says "I'm a polyglot programmer" quite like admitting your extensive portfolio consists entirely of printing "Hello World" in 37 different languages. The painful truth is we've all done this in job interviews, meetups, or on resumes. "Proficient in Java, Python, Ruby, and C++" usually translates to "I once got a for-loop working in each after three hours of Stack Overflow research." The real programming expertise isn't knowing how to write in multiple languages—it's knowing which one to avoid for your next project.

The tech industry's obsession with AI in a nutshell. Companies rebrand basic algorithms as "AI" while VCs throw money at anything with those two magical letters. Meanwhile, developers watching from the sidelines know it's just another overhyped technology that'll eventually join blockchain and NFTs in the graveyard of "revolutionary paradigm shifts." The corporate world can't tell the difference because they're too busy adding "AI-powered" to their pitch decks to secure that sweet, sweet funding.

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