backend Memes

Cobol Post
Programming Backend
1 day ago 150.7K views 0 shares
Cobol Post
While everyone's out here fighting over whether React is better than Vue, or if Rust will replace C++, or debating the merits of microservices versus monoliths, there's a silent army of COBOL developers quietly cashing checks that would make a FAANG engineer jealous. Born in 1959, COBOL is literally older than most programming paradigms we argue about today. Yet it still runs 95% of ATM transactions and processes about $3 trillion in commerce daily. Banks, insurance companies, and government agencies are desperate for COBOL devs because nobody learns it anymore—supply and demand at its finest. So while the tech bros are having a royal rumble about the hottest new JavaScript framework that'll be obsolete in 6 months, COBOL devs are just vibing, maintaining legacy systems, and getting paid premium rates to touch code that's been running longer than they've been alive. Job security? Try career immortality .

Cobol Post
Programming Backend
1 day ago 156.8K views 0 shares
Cobol Post
While everyone's fighting over whether React is better than Vue or if TypeScript is worth the hassle, COBOL developers are just sitting there eating their lunch, completely unbothered, making six figures maintaining banking systems from 1972. The language is older than most developers' parents, yet it still runs 95% of ATM transactions and 80% of in-person transactions. Banks literally can't find enough COBOL programmers, so they're paying obscene amounts to anyone who knows it. Meanwhile, the rest of us are rewriting our apps in the framework-of-the-month for the third time this year. Job security? More like job immortality. Those mainframes aren't going anywhere.

My Face When It's Data Migration Time
Databases Devops Programming Debugging Backend
1 day ago 130.1K views 0 shares
My Face When It's Data Migration Time
Database normalization? Foreign keys? Proper schema design? Never heard of her. When it's time to migrate that legacy database that's been held together with duct tape and prayers, you'll find yourself begging the data to just... be normal . But nope, Excel decides to show up to the party uninvited, screaming its head off with its CSV exports, date formatting nightmares, and those delightful cells that randomly convert everything to scientific notation. The real horror? When stakeholders hand you a 47-tab Excel workbook with merged cells, inconsistent data types, and formulas that reference other workbooks on someone's laptop from 2014. "Just import this into the new system," they say. Sure, right after I finish my therapy sessions.

It's Not Exactly What It Seems Like With Old Tech
Backend Webdev Javascript Programming
2 days ago 187.5K views 0 shares
It's Not Exactly What It Seems Like With Old Tech
While everyone's out here having a full-blown brawl over React vs Vue, microservices vs monoliths, and whether tabs or spaces will end civilization, there's some guy peacefully eating his lunch while maintaining a COBOL system that's been running since before the internet had opinions. The real kicker? That COBOL dev is probably making bank because there are like 12 people left on Earth who know how to maintain those ancient mainframes that still process 95% of ATM transactions and credit card swaps. Banks literally can't afford to let these systems die, so they're stuck paying premium rates for developers who learned programming when punch cards were still a thing. Meanwhile, the "modern stack" crowd is too busy fighting about which JavaScript framework will be obsolete next Tuesday to notice they're reinventing the wheel for the 47th time this year. Job security? That COBOL dev has it in spades while the rest of us are one npm audit away from an existential crisis.

Long Gone 😮‍💨
Backend Javascript Programming
4 days ago 288.0K views 0 shares
Long Gone 😮‍💨
Oh honey, the AUDACITY. The sheer BLASPHEMY of suggesting JavaScript is the best language for backend development just sent this kid straight to the orphanage. Like, sure, Node.js exists and all, but calling it the *best*? That's not just wrong, that's a war crime in the developer community. The Terminator here said "nope, not my child" and yeeted that relationship into the void faster than you can say "callback hell." Nothing says "I'm disowning you" quite like your mom being a backend dev and hearing you praise JS for server-side work. Python, Java, Go, C#, Rust—they're all sobbing in the corner while this kid just torpedoed their entire family tree with one cursed opinion. RIP to those foster parents, they never stood a chance.

Node Js Printing Logs
Javascript Webdev Programming Debugging Backend
5 days ago 233.3K views 0 shares
Node Js Printing Logs
You know that console.log() you threw in there to debug that one weird edge case six months ago? Yeah, it's still there. Chilling in production. Logging every single request like a chatty parrot. The brain's concern is totally valid—print statements in production are unprofessional, can leak sensitive data, and clutter your logs. But the developer's casual "I'll remove it next release" is the tech equivalent of "I'll start going to the gym next Monday." Spoiler: they won't. Then comes the plot twist: "It's javascript." And suddenly all bets are off. The brain just accepts defeat because in the Node.js ecosystem, console.log() is practically a feature at this point. Half the npm packages you're using probably have forgotten console.logs scattered throughout their codebases. Your production logs are basically a archaeological dig site of debugging statements from 2018. The real tragedy? That print statement will outlive the developer's tenure at the company.

Are You Really Going To Ever Change Your Database
Databases Programming Backend
6 days ago 223.0K views 0 shares
Are You Really Going To Ever Change Your Database
So you're building your app and you're like "I'll use an ORM for database abstraction so I can switch databases later!" Sure, Jan. Sure you will. The brutal truth? Both the galaxy-brain geniuses writing raw SQL and the smooth-brain rebels who also write raw SQL have figured out what the ORM evangelists refuse to admit: you're NEVER switching databases . That Postgres instance you spun up on day one? That's your ride-or-die until the heat death of the universe. Meanwhile, the "average" developers are stuck in the middle with their ORMs, adding layers of abstraction for a migration that'll never happen, debugging cryptic ORM-generated queries, and pretending they're writing "portable" code. Spoiler alert: the only thing you're porting is technical debt. The real power move? Just admit you're married to your database and write those beautiful, optimized raw queries without shame. Your future self will thank you when you're not deciphering what monstrosity your ORM generated at 3 AM.

GraphQL More Like CrapQL
Backend Webdev Programming Databases Frontend
9 days ago 266.7K views 0 shares
GraphQL More Like CrapQL
GraphQL promised us a beautiful world of "ask for exactly what you need" and "no more over-fetching." Then you actually implement it and realize you've just traded REST's simplicity for a Frankenstein monster of resolvers, N+1 query problems, and a schema so complex it needs its own documentation. Sure, it sounds elegant in theory—one endpoint to rule them all! But in practice? You're writing custom resolvers for every single field, implementing DataLoaders to avoid turning your database into a smoking crater, and explaining to your backend team why they now need to understand your frontend's data requirements in excruciating detail. The real kicker? Half the time you end up fetching everything anyway because nobody wants to maintain 47 different query variations. Congratulations, you've reinvented REST with extra steps and a fancy query language.

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The New Fresh Smell
Devops Networking Hardware Linux Backend
9 days ago 183.8K views 0 shares
The New Fresh Smell
Ah yes, the intoxicating aroma of a brand new server rack—nothing quite compares to that blend of fresh electronics, pristine metal, and the faint scent of budget approval forms. It's like new car smell, but for sysadmins who get weirdly emotional about hardware. The description "Like a freshly unboxed rack unit infused with corporate hope" is *chef's kiss* because it captures that brief, magical moment before reality sets in. Before the 2 AM outages. Before the "temporary" workarounds become permanent. Before someone inevitably misconfigures the firewall and brings down production. Right now it's all potential and promise. Give it three months and it'll smell like overheating components, broken dreams, and someone's leftover pizza from the last emergency maintenance window.

Please Keep Your Documentation Updated I Am Begging
Backend Webdev Programming Debugging Frontend
10 days ago 175.2K views 0 shares
Please Keep Your Documentation Updated I Am Begging
Oh, the sheer AUDACITY of outdated documentation! You waltz into what SHOULD be a simple integration task, armed with confidence and the API docs. "This'll take a day, maybe two," you whisper to yourself like a naive little summer child. But PLOT TWIST: Those docs were last updated when dinosaurs roamed the earth! Endpoints don't exist anymore, authentication methods have completely changed, and half the parameters are deprecated. Now you're spelunking through cryptic error messages, reverse-engineering their API by trial and error, and questioning every life choice that led you to this moment. Three weeks later, you emerge from the portal dimension of despair, hair disheveled, eyes bloodshot, having aged approximately 47 years. The "straightforward" task has consumed your soul and your sanity. Meanwhile, the third-party API provider is probably sipping margaritas somewhere, blissfully unaware they've created a documentation graveyard that's ruining lives. Pro tip: If the docs say "Last updated: 2019," just run. Run far, far away.

I Love Monoliths Also This Is Not Satire
Backend Programming Debugging Testing
13 days ago 227.7K views 0 shares
I Love Monoliths Also This Is Not Satire
Someone just casually dropped the most UNHINGED take in software architecture history and got 21 people to agree with them. "Keep everything in a single file for highest quality code" is the kind of chaotic energy that makes senior engineers weep into their keyboards at 3 AM. The absolute AUDACITY to claim that shoving your entire codebase into one massive file is peak engineering because "you know everything is in one place" – yeah, just like how a hoarder knows everything is in one house! Sure, you know where it is... somewhere in those 50,000 lines of spaghetti code between the authentication logic and that random TODO comment from 2019. This is the architectural equivalent of putting all your groceries in one giant bag and calling it "organized" because at least you only have to carry one thing. Separation of concerns? Modularity? Never heard of her! We're going full medieval monolith style – one giant stone block of code that future developers will need archaeological tools to decipher.

All Money Probably Went Into Nvidia GPUs
Databases AI Programming Backend Cloud
13 days ago 288.7K views 0 shares
All Money Probably Went Into Nvidia GPUs
Running Postgres at scale for 800 million users while conveniently forgetting to contribute back to the open-source project that's literally holding your entire infrastructure together? Classic move. PostgreSQL is one of those legendary open-source databases that powers half the internet—from Instagram to Spotify—yet somehow companies rake in billions while the maintainers survive on coffee and GitHub stars. The goose's awkward retreat is basically every tech company when you ask about their open-source contributions. They'll spend $50 million on GPU clusters for their "revolutionary AI chatbot" but can't spare $10k for the database that's been rock-solid since before some of their engineers were born. The PostgreSQL team literally enables trillion-dollar valuations and gets... what, a shoutout in the docs? Fun fact: PostgreSQL doesn't even have a corporate sponsor like MySQL (Oracle) or MongoDB. It's maintained by a volunteer community and the PostgreSQL Global Development Group. So yeah, maybe toss them a few bucks between your next GPU shipment.