The Real GitHub Power User

The fossilized remains of a developer who DARED to ask for a code review! ☠️ Honey, some say he submitted his PR during sprint planning and turned into LITERAL DUST while refreshing GitHub notifications. The archaeological evidence suggests he waited through THREE COMPANY RESTRUCTURES and a complete rewrite of the codebase before finally perishing. His last words were reportedly "just a quick review plz" sent via Slack at 4:59pm on a Friday. Tragic, yet completely avoidable if literally ANYONE on his team had bothered to look at his branch. Pour one out for our fallen comrade! 💀

Ah, the sacred unspoken rules of society! Don't ask women their age, don't ask men their salary, and for the love of all that is holy, DO NOT ask a developer what their commit messages actually mean. That cryptic "Fixed stuff" covering 47 file changes? The mysterious "It works now" with no explanation? The passive-aggressive "Finally fixed the stupid bug"? These are personal diary entries of pain, triumph, and existential crisis that shall remain forever unexplained. Inquiring about commit messages is like asking someone to explain their browser history. Some things are better left buried in the git log where they belong.

The AUDACITY of these people! Your coworkers are just casually hitting that AI slop pull request button like it's a free candy dispenser while you're over here DYING inside! 😤 They're submitting code that was clearly written by ChatGPT's questionable cousin, with variable names like 'finalFinalActuallyFinalV2' and functions that look like they were written during a fever dream. But the worst part? You can't PROVE it! You're just sitting there, eye twitching, watching your git history become a graveyard of AI-generated monstrosities while management praises them for their "productivity." The betrayal! The horror! The absolute DRAMA of modern development!

Oh. My. GOD. The absolute BETRAYAL of finding a note from past-you telling present-you to fix something "at your earliest convenience" like past-you was some kind of RESPONSIBLE ADULT?! 😱 The AUDACITY of your former self to delegate tasks to future-you while having NO IDEA what kind of hellscape future-you would be living in! And then having the NERVE to sign it like you're two different people?! Past-you is ALWAYS leaving landmines of unfinished work that present-you has to deal with. The cycle of self-sabotage continues until we're all just screaming into the void of our own technical debt! Somewhere, a git blame command is just waiting to expose your shame!

The eternal game show of developer excuses! That smug cat knows exactly what we're all thinking when faced with the dreaded "it doesn't work" complaint. Each answer represents a classic defense mechanism from our collective programming trauma: A) "Somebody must have changed my code" - The ghost in the machine defense, perfect for teams with sketchy version control. B) "I haven't touched the code in weeks!" - The temporal alibi, as if code degrades like milk left in the sun. C) "It worked yesterday" - The quantum uncertainty principle of programming. Schrödinger's bug, if you will. D) "It works on my machine ¯\_(ツ)_/¯" - The final boss of developer excuses, complete with the universal shrug of technical absolution. The correct answer? All of the above, simultaneously, while quietly checking if you forgot to push that critical fix.

When your entire career revolves around version control but you can't control your dad jokes. The classic naming convention gone wrong—kid's not a branch you can just merge later! Somewhere in the world, there's a developer named "Commit" whose dad thought he was being clever. The real tragedy? That kid probably grew up to use Mercurial instead.