The Excel Database Conspiracy

Ah, the classic database decree! On the left: "Foreign keys are illegal" and on the right: "All columns must be strings." It's basically the executive order that would make any database administrator contemplate a career change. Nothing says "I have absolutely no idea how databases work" quite like mandating string-only columns while banning foreign keys. Congratulations, you've just signed into law the creation of data integrity nightmares and query performance disasters! Next up: "NULL values are now taxed at 30%."

Loading a plane into a cargo jet is about as efficient as storing JSON in SQL. Sure, it technically works, but it's like wearing formal shoes to the beach—you've completely missed the point. And your company does this with XML as nvarchar strings? That's taking inefficiency to an art form. It's like photocopying a painting, faxing the copy, then taking a picture of the fax with a flip phone. Seven years of database optimization techniques thrown out the window because someone in 2005 said "just make it work for the demo."

Ah, the classic tech acronym mixup. One person thinks BDSM stands for Big Data Security Management (a perfectly innocent enterprise software solution), while the other person is thinking of... well, something entirely different. The real joke is that no one in IT has ever created an acronym that wasn't already taken by something NSFW. We're still waiting for someone to explain what the S in BDSM actually stands for in the tech context. Probably "scalable" because everything needs to be scalable these days.

When SQL developers give feedback... Someone just executed the most ruthless SQL injection attack on that poor survey form! The classic "; DROP TABLE Responses; is basically the programmer equivalent of pulling the tablecloth out from under a fully set dinner table. The survey creator probably forgot to sanitize their inputs, and now all that precious community feedback exists only in the void of deleted data. Somewhere, a database admin just felt a disturbance in the force.

Content 10111000010011 100 PASSWORD 10000 1011100001001 101100001010 'HACKING 1000 601001101 NEWS 5:01 How Hackers Really Crack Your Passwords Seeker 2M views 1 year ago

OH. MY. GOD. This is the most SAVAGE database joke I've ever witnessed! 💀 A FULL OUTER JOIN literally returns ALL rows from BOTH tables, matching them where possible but keeping the unmatched ones too! Just like these two books - "What They Teach You at Harvard Business School" and "What They DON'T Teach You at Harvard Business School" - which together contain THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE OF KNOWLEDGE! I am DECEASED! The database nerds are absolutely HOWLING right now while everyone else is left wondering why we're cackling over SQL joins! This is the kind of humor that separates the database architects from the mere mortals!