One Rich Asshole Called Larry Ellison

The evolution of a database admin's brain from basic monkey to cosmic deity in four easy steps! 🧠 Starts with the primitive "just write SQL queries" stage where you're basically a glorified typist. Then evolves to "use views and indexes" - congratulations, you've discovered fire! 🔥 But the true enlightenment begins at "put all business logic in stored procedures" - suddenly your brain glows with the power of a thousand suns. Database purists are nodding vigorously right now. The final form? Transcending reality itself by letting the database handle EVERYTHING. Who needs application servers when your PostgreSQL instance can become sentient? The database is the application. The database is life.

The silent scream of every developer who's dealt with international date formats. ISO 8601 (YYYY-MM-DD) is the logical standard that brings order to chaos. Meanwhile, the USA stubbornly clings to MM/DD/YYYY like it's clinging to the imperial measurement system. The dog doesn't bite, but watching Americans format dates MM/DD/YYYY will absolutely cause psychic damage to any developer trying to sort dates alphabetically. The pain is real.

When asked about the perfect date, normal people think candlelit dinners or beach walks. Programmers? They go straight to ISO standards. DD/MM/YYYY - because nothing says "I understand your needs" like eliminating date format ambiguity. The struggle of working with MM/DD/YYYY Americans vs. the rest of the world is the true international conflict nobody talks about. Romance is temporary, but proper data formatting is forever.

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OH MY GOD, the absolute HORROR of explaining your coding job to grandma only for her to send you a "Happy Data Leak Day!" card with ROSES the next day! 💀 Nothing says "I completely misunderstood what you do" like celebrating the ONE THING that keeps security engineers awake at night! Grandma somehow transformed "I work with databases" into "I deliberately expose sensitive information for funsies" and now she's CONGRATULATING you on it with a business cat and confetti! The professional NIGHTMARE is complete! Your entire career reduced to "that thing where you spill information everywhere" - thanks Nana! 🙃

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