The Special Kind Of Mysterious Work

The corporate theater of "Scrum" in its natural habitat. Company claims they're using Scrum methodology, but when pressed for details, they confess it's actually waterfall with sprints awkwardly bolted on—basically waterfall wearing a Scrum costume. It's like claiming you're vegan while eating a burger and explaining "Well, I chew in 2-week increments." The relief on the questioner's face says it all: finally, someone admitted what everyone already knew. The charade can end, and actual work can begin.

Ah, the classic "// TODO: remove when no longer needed" followed by a roof built around a ladder instead of removing it. This is peak developer energy! Just like that temporary fix from 2016 that's now somehow a critical part of your production infrastructure. The comment might as well say "// TODO: remove when hell freezes over" because we all know that ladder is staying there until the building collapses. Technical debt with physical manifestation!

OH. MY. GOD. The absolute AUDACITY of this lead programmer! Three whole months of "vibe coding"?! You know what that means, right? Just casually writing whatever code FEELS right without any plan, documentation, or actual thought process. 💀 Meanwhile, the entire team has been having SEVENTEEN meetings about architecture patterns and proper coding standards! The face of pure shock in that meeting room must have been PRICELESS when this coding rebel just confessed to essentially throwing spaghetti at the wall for a quarter of the year! The real tragedy? His code probably still works better than the over-engineered solutions everyone else spent weeks planning. The universe is so unfair sometimes!

The five stages of code review grief, compressed into four panels. First, you're riding high on that dopamine rush when your code actually works. Next, you swagger into the senior dev's office like you've just solved P=NP. Then comes the inevitable soul-crushing "You did it wrong" feedback, followed by the final stage: complete existential collapse as you realize your approach was fundamentally flawed and those 8 hours of work were essentially a very educational waste of time. Classic senior dev move—they don't tell you HOW it's wrong, just that your entire existence as a programmer is questionable.

The true mark of seniority isn't writing complex algorithms or architecting scalable systems—it's the art of staying silent during meetings that could've been emails. That awkward monkey face perfectly captures the existential crisis of realizing you're paid a small fortune to occasionally unmute and say "sounds good to me" or "I'll circle back offline." The real six-figure skill? Knowing when your input adds zero value but still collecting that direct deposit. Silent wisdom is apparently worth its weight in gold.

OH. MY. GOD. The absolute BETRAYAL! 😭 You know what's worse than a dog bite? Having your precious code MURDERED by management! You spent HOURS—possibly DAYS—crafting that beautiful feature with your blood, sweat, and tears... only for some suit to casually declare it "unnecessary" like they're deciding what toppings to skip on a pizza! The dog didn't bite you physically, but management just took a chainsaw to your SOUL! And the worst part? This happens EVERY. SINGLE. SPRINT. I'm going to need therapy after this one!