The Friday Afternoon Jira Massacre

Content Hacker Scripts Based on a true story: xxx: OK, so, our build engineer has left for another company. The dude was literally living inside the terminal. You know, that type of a guy who loves Vim, creates diagrams in Dot and writes wiki-posts in Markdown... If something - anything - requires more than 90 seconds of his time, he writes a script to automate that. xxx: So we're sitting here, looking through his, uhm, "legacy" xxx: You're gonna love this xxx: smack-my-bitch-up.sh - sends a text message "late at work" to his wife (apparently). Automatically picks reasons from an array of strings, randomly. Runs inside a cron-job. The job fires if there are active SSH-sessions on the server after 9pm with his login. xxx: kumar-asshole.sh - scans the inbox for emails from "Kumar" (a DBA at our clients). Looks for keywords like "help", "trouble", "sorry etc. If keywords are found - the script SSHes into the clients server and rolls back the staging database to the latest backup. Then sends a reply "no worries mate, be careful next time". xxx: hangover.sh - another cron-job that is set to specific dates. Sends automated emails like "not feeling wellgonna work from home" etc. Adds a random "reason" from another predefined array of strings. Fires if there are no interactive sessions on the server at 8:45am. xxx: (and the oscar goes to) fucking-coffee.sh - this one waits exactly 17 seconds (!), then opens a telnet session to our coffee-machine (we had no frikin idea the coffee machine is on the network, runs linux and has a TCP socket up and running) and sends something like sys brew. Turns out this thing starts brewing a mid-sized half-caf latte and waits another 24 (I) seconds before pouring it into a cup. The timing is exactly how long it takes to walk to the machine from the dudes desk. xxx: holy sht I'm keeping those

Content THIS IS GIT. IT TRACKS COLLABORATIVE WORK ON PROJECTS THROUGH A BEAUTIFUL DISTRIBUTED GRAPH THEORY TREE MODEL. COOL. HOW DO WE USE IT? NO IDEA. JUST MEMORIZE THESE SHELL COMMANDS AND TYPE THEM TO SYNC UP. IF YOU GET ERRORS, SAVE YOUR WORK ELSEWHERE, DELETE THE PROJECT, AND DOWNLOAD A FRESH COPY.

Content Salary 550-650 Location Dublin City Centre, Dublin, Republic of Ireland Type Contract Start ASAP UI Software Architect 101154 Desired skills: React, Angular, UI, Front End, Java Hybrid (In Ireland), 1 day per week in office 12-month contract We are teaming up with a Dublin-based client who requires a Software Architect who specialises in UI to join their growing team. ' will be joining their team as a technical leader to help define the technical direction and strategy for the existing team. If you have deep technical knowledge of React this could be a great fit for you! Requirements: 6 years' experience as a Software Developer 53 years expertise with React and Angular Strong experience with JavaScript, TypeScript, Query Strong experience in Unit Testing with Jasmine etc

Content A software tester walks into a bar. Runs into a bar. Crawls into a bar. Dances into a bar. Flies into a bar. Jumps into a bar. And orders: a beer. 2 beers. O beers. 99999999 beers. a lizard in a beer glass. -1 beer. "qwertyuiop" beers. Testing complete. A real customer walks into the bar and asks where the bathroom is. The bar goes up in flames.

Content 1st rule of Programming: If it works.... don't touch it!.

Content I FUCKING HATE PYTHON! I WANT TO FUCKING Strangle all Python devs who don't sign their 50 executables with a publisher and have them run out of non-system-protected directories in a production environment!