Test Suite Setup: The Infrastructure Apocalypse

Ah, the classic developer self-burn. When your code refuses to run, so you decide to go for a run yourself... only to discover your cardiovascular system has the same compilation errors as your project. Nothing like realizing your physical fitness is just as deprecated as your programming skills. At least your code has a valid excuse—it was written by you. What's your body's excuse after years of "I'll exercise tomorrow" commits that never got pushed?

Content Changelog changelog Following "Don't worry, our users will notify us if there's a problem" Honk if Shit; tallingoff 10:03 AM - 8 Jun 2019

Content Hacker Scripts Based on a true story: xxx: OK, so, our build engineer has left for another company. The dude was literally living inside the terminal. You know, that type of a guy who loves Vim, creates diagrams in Dot and writes wiki-posts in Markdown... If something - anything requires more than 90 seconds of his time, he writes a script to automate that. xxx: So we're sitting here, looking through his, uhm, "legacy" xxx: You're gonna love this xxx: smack-my-bitch-up.sh - sends a text message "late at work" to his wife (apparently). Automatically picks reasons from an array of strings, randomly. Runs inside a cron-job. The job fires if there are active SSH-sessions on the server after 9pm with his login. xxX: kumar-asshole.sh - scans the inbox for emails from "Kumar" (a DBA at our clients). Looks for keywords like "help", "trouble", "sorry etc. If keywords are found - the script SSHes into the clients server and rolls back the staging database to the latest backup. Then sends a reply "no worries mate, be careful next time". xxX: hangover.sh - another cron-job that is set to specific dates. Sends automated emails like "not feeling wellgonna work from home" etc. Adds a random "reason" from another predefined array of strings. Fires if there are no interactive sessions on the server at 8:45am. xxX: (and the oscar goes to) fucking-coffee.sh - this one waits exactly 17 seconds (!), then opens a telnet session to our coffee-machine (we had no frikin idea the coffee machine is on the network, runs linux and has a TCP socket up and running) and sends something like sys brew. Turns out this thing starts brewing a mid-sized half-caf latte and waits another 24 (!) seconds before pouring it into a cup. The timing is exactly how long it takes to walk to the machine from the dudes desk. xxx: holy sht I'm keeping those

Content Shayan ImShyy 5h 1 propose replacing trycatch with the following: fuck around let appay "This", "is", "a", "test"; console. log (array 5. toUpperCase ()) ; find out (error) console. error ('We found out: ', error); 35 17 236 1,885 a 100K

BEHOLD! The magnificent Salt Bae of programming! Sprinkling his code with a flamboyant flourish of HTTP status codes and questionable life choices! 💅✨ This coding maestro isn't just writing code - he's PERFORMING ART, darling! Seasoning production environments with 400 Bad Requests, 401 Unauthorized drama, 402 Payment Required (because who doesn't love surprise billing?), and the classic 404 Not Found when everything inevitably crashes and burns! And the pièce de résistance? Those STUPID VARIABLE NAMES that future developers will absolutely SCREAM about during code reviews. "Why is this variable called 'chonkyBoi'? WHY IS THE DATABASE CONNECTION STRING STORED IN 'juicySecret'?!" This is what happens when you code purely on vibes and caffeine, sweetie. The production server never stood a chance! 💔

The absolute CHAOS that ensues when some deranged soul utters those five fateful words! That hypnotic spiral of pure terror with a screaming cat at the center is EXACTLY what happens in your brain when someone suggests skipping testing and deploying straight to production. One minute you're sitting there coding peacefully, the next you're spiraling into an existential crisis because your colleague just casually suggested committing digital arson. The visual representation of every developer's nightmare - watching in horror as untested code gets unleashed upon innocent users. Pure. Unadulterated. PANIC.