Computers Have No Rights

Windows Defender standing there with arms wide open, completely ignoring the barrage of threats raining down on poor Android Studio. Classic Microsoft security theater at its finest. That's why we all end up installing third-party antivirus software despite Windows swearing its Defender is all we need. Meanwhile, Android Studio just lies there, exhausted from consuming 32GB of RAM and still asking for more.

OH MY GOD! Billionaire discovers basic database constraints and has a complete meltdown! 💀 The absolute DRAMA of someone who can launch rockets into space but apparently thinks the U.S. government is running their trillion-dollar operations on some janky SQL database without primary keys! Like, sweetie, I hate to break it to you, but the Social Security Administration isn't using phpMyAdmin they downloaded from SourceForge in 2003! It's giving "I just discovered databases exist and now I'm an expert" energy. Next revelation: the Pentagon doesn't store nuclear launch codes in an Excel spreadsheet! SHOCKING!

Ah, the classic integer overflow exploit, but for babies! This programmer parent found the ultimate life hack - exploiting the Social Security system like it's a poorly coded video game from the 90s. Give your newborn a dollar, wait for their SS number, then take it back to create a negative balance that wraps around to the maximum 32-bit integer value ($2,147,483,647). It's basically SQL injection but for parenting. This is what happens when developers become parents - they immediately start looking for edge cases in government systems. Forget college funds, just find buffer overflows!

Started coding a "simple hash function" and GitHub Copilot went full existential crisis mode. Started reasonable with "not cryptographically secure, but fast" then spiraled into "not guaranteed to be stable across different phases of the moon" and "different parallel universes." This is what happens when your AI assistant has seen one too many 3 AM debugging sessions. Somewhere in Silicon Valley, a neural network is clearly having PTSD flashbacks from training on StackOverflow comments.

The corporate world's version of mutually assured destruction. While the programmer faces jail time for his digital revenge bomb, the possum's living his best life in pastry paradise. One destroyed a company's infrastructure, the other infiltrated a donut box—both chaotic neutral heroes in their own domains. The real crime here isn't the kill switch, it's that no one thought to implement proper access revocation protocols. Pro tip: before firing your only DevOps engineer, maybe check if they've left presents in your codebase first? That possum didn't even need to write a single line of code to achieve total victory.

Look at that URL parameter: isGina=false . Some developer really said "let's just hardcode user identity in the query string" and called it a day. Security through obscurity at its finest! Next time Gina forgets her password, she just needs to hack the URL to isGina=true and boom—instant access. Who needs authentication when you can just tell the system who you are? Somewhere a security engineer is having a panic attack while the intern who wrote this is proudly adding "implemented user authentication system" to their resume.