Computers Have No Rights

OH MY GOD, the absolute AUDACITY of Hollywood! There I am, peacefully enjoying my movie, when suddenly—BAM!—some character starts "hacking" by dramatically typing gibberish while neon green text cascades down the screen! And I just can't help myself from pointing at the TV like a possessed movie critic, drink in hand, dramatically announcing to absolutely nobody: "THAT'S NOT HOW ANY OF THIS WORKS!" Because apparently installing random packages and updating the system is the digital equivalent of breaking into the Pentagon! The sheer DRAMA of it all! Meanwhile, my non-programmer friends are like "can you please just watch the movie and stop ruining it for everyone?" NO I CANNOT.

That sacred pre-vacation ritual where you desperately pray to the server gods that nothing explodes while you're gone. Nothing says "Happy Holidays" like frantically patting server racks and whispering "please don't die" to infrastructure that's held together by duct tape and Stack Overflow answers. The true holiday miracle is making it to January without getting that 3 AM call about the production database deciding to spontaneously combust while you're trying to enjoy your eggnog.

Ah, the sacred tradition of developer hazing! Just like mechanics sending apprentices to find "blinker fluid," senior devs have their own version - convincing juniors that a keycap is somehow an API key for production deployments. The best part? That poor junior is probably frantically googling "how to use physical API key" while the senior dev silently cackles in the corner. Next week they'll be searching for the elusive "HTTP packet inspector" and a "cache warming blanket."

Ah yes, the classic "we broke something essential so now you need our premium feature" strategy. Vercel basically saying "Hey, our static generation doesn't work with security? Have you tried... not using static generation and paying us instead?" 🤔 For the uninitiated: CSP (Content Security Policy) is a crucial security feature that helps prevent attacks like XSS. But apparently making it work with static generation was too much trouble, so the solution is "just use our dynamic rendering instead!" Which, coincidentally, costs more money. What a shocking coincidence! It's the tech equivalent of a mechanic breaking your brakes then suggesting you buy a parachute.

Behold, the digital equivalent of leaving your front door wide open with a neon sign saying "ROBBERS WELCOME!" This masterpiece of security features: Fetching ALL user records into memory (because who needs efficiency?) Comparing passwords in plain text (encryption is overrated anyway) That magnificent if ("true" === "true") statement that always evaluates to true, making the function return false regardless of authentication success Setting a cookie that expires in 1 second (hope you type fast!) Hackers don't even need to try with this one. They can just wait for the inevitable security breach to happen on its own. It's like watching a car crash in slow motion, except the car is your entire user database.

Sleeping peacefully until your brain jolts you awake at 3:27 AM because you realized you used = instead of == in that authentication code. That single equals sign just gave admin access to literally everyone. Sweet dreams! Nothing quite like the cold sweat of realizing you've accidentally created the world's most generous authorization system. The fix takes 2 seconds but the existential dread lasts forever.