Do You Even UDP Brah

The first block makes 1000 network calls to add numbers. The second just adds them locally. And yet some developers will still ask "why is my code so slow?" while their app makes HTTP requests to add 2+2. It's like driving to the grocery store to use their calculator when you have one on your phone. Sure, both methods get you the sum, but one involves putting on pants.

45 billion hack attempts a day? That's what happens when your password is "Password123" and your security question is "What's your favorite bank?" The funniest part is some poor security engineer at JPMorgan is probably looking at these stats thinking, "Hmm, only 45 billion? Must be a slow Tuesday." Meanwhile, their firewall is screaming in binary and their server room sounds like a jet engine. Banking security is just a high-stakes game of whack-a-mole where the moles have advanced degrees in computer science.

The technical pedant has entered the chat! Nothing screams "I'm fun at parties" like correcting people about character encoding standards at an ASCII art gathering. That person standing in the corner made of slashes and asterisks is silently judging everyone who casually calls it "ASCII art" when it should be "ISO-8859 art" — because obviously that's what keeps them up at night. It's the digital equivalent of being the guy who corrects people saying "Frankenstein" when they mean "Frankenstein's monster." Congratulations on being technically correct — the most insufferable kind of correct!

The pinnacle of security expertise—someone answering "What screams 'I'm insecure'?" with just "http://" instead of the vastly superior "https://". It's like showing up to a security conference without a password manager and 37 browser extensions that block JavaScript. That lone protocol sitting there, naked and vulnerable, practically begging to have its packets sniffed by anyone with basic networking knowledge. The internet equivalent of leaving your front door not just unlocked, but completely removed from its hinges.

Someone just asked what a TXT record is and now the entire DNS infrastructure is having an existential crisis. The rant starts off strong: naming servers? Pointless. DNS queries? Never needed. The hosts.txt file was RIGHT THERE doing its job perfectly fine before we overengineered everything. Then comes the kicker—sysadmins apparently want to know "your server's location" and "arbitrary text" which sounds like something a "deranged" person would dream up. But wait... that's literally what TXT records do. They store arbitrary text strings in DNS for things like SPF, DKIM, domain verification, and other critical internet infrastructure. The irony is thicker than a poorly configured DNS zone file. The punchline? After this whole tirade about DNS being useless, they show what "REAL DNS" looks like—three increasingly complex diagrams that nobody understands, followed by a simple DNS query example. The response: "They have played us for absolute fools." Translation: DNS is actually incredibly complex and essential, and maybe we shouldn't have been complaining about TXT records in the first place. It's the classic developer move of calling something stupid right before realizing you don't actually understand how it works.

When your production server is located in a data center on the other side of the planet and you're trying to debug why the API is timing out. That 999ms ping is basically the network equivalent of trying to have a conversation via carrier pigeon. At that point, you're not even debugging anymore—you're just sitting there watching the loading spinner while contemplating your life choices. The ramen slurping perfectly captures that "well, might as well eat lunch while I wait for this request to complete" energy. Pro tip: if your ping is approaching a full second, maybe consider switching from TCP to sending postcards.