Modernization Memes

Ah yes, the classic "let's rewrite decades of legacy code in a few months" fantasy. For those who don't know, COBOL is the programming equivalent of that ancient Nokia phone your grandpa still uses – outdated but somehow keeping entire nations running. Converting tens of millions of lines of COBOL that handle checks notes just the entire Social Security system to Java is like trying to transplant a whale's brain into a dolphin over a weekend. What could possibly go wrong? Just the financial security of every retiree in America. The best part is the "DOGE wants it done in months" bit. Nothing says "I've never written a line of code in my life" quite like thinking you can replace a 60-year-old system that processes trillions of dollars before your Jira subscription expires. Fun fact: The last time someone tried something similar, they spent $100 million and got absolutely nowhere. But hey, this time it'll be different because... reasons.

HONEY, LISTEN TO ME! The banking industry is having a CRISIS of BIBLICAL proportions! First they're all like "Modern" and "Front" and "End" - cool buzzwords that make developers feel special. But then BOOM! Plot twist! She says "Modern Frontend" and he DARES to respond with "Java Servlet"?! 💀 It's like showing up to a Tesla convention with a steam engine! These billion-dollar banks are STILL running ancient Java servlets from the JURASSIC PERIOD while pretending they're all modern and cutting-edge! The AUDACITY! The DECEPTION! The absolutely prehistoric tech stack masquerading in designer clothes!