When You Must Explain Your Own Code

Content JavaScript enthusiasts loving this easy type-free language 44 Industry adopting TypeScript because fuck you

Just because you can do something doesn't mean you should . This code is the programming equivalent of naming your twins "Twin1" and "Twin2" then wondering why they need therapy. Using keywords as variable names, declaring const const , setting 5 = 4 , and claiming 2 + 2 === 5 is true? This isn't just cursed code—it's the kind of abomination that makes senior devs wake up in cold sweats. Future maintainers will hunt you down. Not to ask questions, but for revenge.

OH. MY. GOD. Welcome to the JavaScript circus of horrors where zero equals a string of "0.0" but zero with an 'n' doesn't?! And then—PLOT TWIST—the string "0.0" with a NOT operator suddenly equals zero with an 'n'?! 💀 This is the EXACT moment your brain cells commit mass suicide during a coding session. JavaScript's type coercion is like that toxic ex who keeps changing the rules mid-argument. "Yeah, that makes sense" turns into "WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL IS HAPPENING" faster than you can say "use TypeScript instead."

HONEY! The bank just emailed! My literal NOTHING is on its way! 🎉 Can't wait to open that empty package of pure void and stare into the existential abyss of my bank account! They even let me track my non-existent card! How thoughtful! It's like Christmas morning except Santa brought me a beautiful gift-wrapped box of ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. Programmers everywhere feeling that special joy when their null references escape into the real world. Bank developers probably sitting there like "Did we just ship... nothing? Eh, ship it anyway!"

Content PROBLEM: JAVASCRIPT HAS ALMOST NO STANDARD LIBRARY SOLUTION: THOUSANDS OF COMMUNITY -SUPPORTED LIBRARIES OF WILDLY VARYING QUALITY PROBLEM: JAVASCRIPT HAS NO PACKAGING OR A LINKER TO TIE THESE PACKAGES TOGETHER PROBLEM: JAVASCRIPT WON'T RUN OUTSIDE THE BROWSER SOLUTION: V8 PROBLEM: JAVASCRIPT IS SINGLE -THREAD BY DESIGN SOLUTION: ASYNCHRONOUS PROGRAMMING, NODE. JS PROBLEM: CALLBACK HELL PROBLEM: PROTOTYPAL INHERITANCE IS PANTS -ON- HEAD STUPID THAT'S RIGHT, I SAID IT. PROBLEM: WEB RESOURCES NEED TO BE MINIFIED AND ZIPPED FOR PERFORMANCE PROBLEM: THE DOM IS TOO SLOW FOR VIDEO GAMES SOLUTION: CANVAS PROBLEM: JAVASCRIPT IS TOO SLOW FOR VIDEO GAMES SOLUTION: USE AN ASSEMBLY- LIKE SUBSET OF JAVASCRIPT CALLED ASM.JS PROBLEM: ASM.JS IS BASICALLY UNWRITABLE 4 HUMANS. SOLUTION: COMPILE A BETTER LANGUAGE TO JAVASCRIPT (C, EMASCRIPT 2016, COFFEESCRIPT, JSX) SOLUTION: HUNDREDS OF COMMUNITY SUPPORTED BUILD TOOLS OF WILDLY VARYING QUALITY PROBLEM: GRUNT. SOLUTION: GULP PROBLEM: GULP PROBLEM: MACHINE GENERATED OUTPUT IS MORE DIFFICULT TO DEBUG PROBLEM: ASYNC IS STILL A NIGHTMARE, HUH? PROBLEM: BALLOONING PROJECT SIZE AND COMPLEXITY PROBLEM: JAVASCRIPT STILL DOESN'T DO EVERYTHING PROBLEM: OUTPUT RUNS VERY SLOWLY ON MOBILE DEVICES SOLUTION: ELECTRON, PHONEGAP, FIREFOXOS HOW IS DIGGING GOING TO GET US OUT OF THIS HOLE? WHERE I AM FROM, THE POINT OF DIGGING IS NOT FREEDOM FROM DIGGING

Cooking: predictable, reliable, unchanged for centuries. Software development: a nightmare circus where your tools break faster than you can use them. Nothing quite like spending 3 hours setting up your environment only to discover your dependency manager no longer supports the library you need. Or that beautiful moment when npm decides your perfectly working package is now "deprecated" and suggests using something completely different that requires rewriting half your codebase. This is why senior devs hoard working configurations like dragons with gold. "Touch my Docker setup and I'll end you."