Oof My JVM: It's Free Real Estate

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Content Ash system.out memeln( ) guys literally only want one thing and it's fucking disgusting 2017-10-22, 1:56 AM All 22307 tests passed - 681 ms optjavajdk1.8.0121binjava Compiled with 0 errors and 0 warnings Process finished with exit code 0

Content ?php header ("Content-type: texthtml; charsetutf-8"); This is a warning to any poor soul who may have to deal with this code. I took over this criminal piece of chaos from a monkey named Joel who I assume had been given a typewriter by Mephistopheles himself. For reasons I have yet been unable to fathom, he decided to patch together this thing using a BaseX setup hardwired into an unfixably broken Manjaro VM, queried by a handwritten plate of uncommented PHP spaghetti fit to feed an army of people with a serious death wish, without any framework or CMS. The very long BaseX script, very long PHP presenter and very long XSLT stylesheet mostly perform the same heuristic document structuring for different components and are supposed to produce compatible results, but I bet they have mismatches somewhere. Since Prof. T just wanted a few small functional enhancements, I decided to just patch it and keep the general setup. Unless you were hired to correct some spelling mistakes, DO NOT FOLLOW IN MY STEPS. Putting up with this simulation of how a goldfish would design a system has literally given me CLINICAL DEPRESSION. This is not an exaggeration, I am writing this after a prolonged medical therapy - mostly successful, thanks for asking, but not fun. I wouldn't wish this code on anybody who isn't a manager at Oracle or Facebook, and therefore give you this sincere advice: Nuke this. Take the XSLT if you must, and then nuke the app and recreate it in Django or whatever works for you. I would do it myself, but I risked a relapse simply by opening this file again to write this comment. Dear brother or sister, I wish you all the luck and strength in the world and hope it will be enough. Farewell. error reporting (E ALL); ini set("display errors" true); print('?yml version"1.0" encodina" TF.8" ?' "n"):?

Watch as a developer's brain literally ASCENDS TO A HIGHER PLANE OF EXISTENCE while trying to check if something is true. Starting with the innocent if (condition) and ending with what can only be described as a cosmic incantation involving String.valueOf(), Boolean.TRUE.toString(), substring(), trim(), regionMatches() with ignoreCase AND offset parameters... because apparently we don't trust ANYTHING anymore. Each level shows the brain achieving enlightenment as the paranoia intensifies. By the final form, our developer has transcended mortal programming and entered the astral realm where they're comparing string representations of boolean values with case-insensitive regex-adjacent methods. At this point, they're not writing code anymore—they're performing an exorcism on their variables to make ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN that true is actually, genuinely, without-a-shadow-of-a-doubt TRUE. Trust issues? Never heard of her. This developer has trust CATASTROPHES.

Content "Need any help?", asked Steven. "No thanks", said Barbie, "I'm doing HTML with my left hand and CSS with my right, so there's no spare keyboard". "What about JavaScript?", asked Brian. "I'll just bang my head on the desk", replied Barbie.

The programmer in this meme is living in a parallel universe where Microsoft created Java, not C#. It's like claiming your first car was a unicorn, then your second was a horse, and somehow that qualified you to work at a zebra ranch. For those keeping score at home: Java was created by Sun Microsystems (later acquired by Oracle), Android uses a Java variant, and Microsoft's C# was actually created after Java as a competitor. This person's programming timeline is as accurate as a sundial at midnight.