Don't Actually Do This

Treating yourself like a software project is peak developer energy. While everyone else is promising to hit the gym, this guy's posting a changelog for himself like he just pushed to production. The real joke is thinking any of those bugs will actually get fixed before next December's emergency hotfix. At least he didn't label it "various performance improvements" which we all know means "I broke something but can't figure out what."

The eternal dance of code reviews, beautifully captured in its natural habitat. Reviewer drops a last-minute bombshell requirement that wasn't in any spec. Developer responds with the most honest code documentation ever written—and somehow still gets those sweet, sweet approvals. The best part? It got merged anyway! Nothing says "professional software development" quite like telling your reviewer where to shove their Assembly support and then pushing to master anyway. The 8 likes are from other developers who've been there but never had the courage.

Ah, the classic door handle labeled "PUSH" – the physical manifestation of what happens when you try to force a git push to main without pulling first. That feeling when you're shoving with all your might, wondering why the hell it's not working, only to realize you needed to sync your local branch first. Ten years of coding experience and I still sometimes stand there like an idiot, pushing on a door that clearly requires me to pull changes before I can proceed. The universe's way of saying "merge conflicts incoming."

When LinkedIn meets GitHub, truth bombs explode! This genius "Senior Data Engineer" created a script that automatically commits to GitHub every few minutes—making his contribution graph look like he's coding 24/7. Little did he know his "10-minute hack" would expose the entire tech hiring circus. The second part shows a recruiter drooling over this fake activity: "We offered him $500k without even interviewing!" Because apparently, a green GitHub grid is more impressive than actual skills. Who needs technical interviews when you can automate your way to looking productive? Remember kids, it's not about building useful things—it's about making sure your contribution graph looks like a radioactive lawn.

That moment when you realize his "private" repos are just abandoned side projects and half-baked ideas with commit messages like "fix stuff" and "it works now???" Showing someone your private GitHub repos is the developer equivalent of letting them see your search history—equal parts terrifying and disappointing. Those repos are where good ideas go to die and where code standards don't apply. It's not scandalous, just sad.

When a dev tweets "the energy i bring to the team" and it's just someone commenting "i'm merging it. fuck the tests" - that's peak chaotic developer energy right there! 🔥 And then that reply about test cases being "a sign of weakness"? Pure madness! This is that 3 AM deploy energy when you're running on nothing but energy drinks and blind confidence. Ship it and pray nothing breaks! Who needs sleep when you have the adrenaline rush of potentially breaking production?