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The duality of development in one perfect image! Frontend work is like a peaceful day in the meadow—just you and some cute components playing in the sunshine. Then there's backend development... suddenly you're in a post-apocalyptic hellscape with mutant data structures trying to eat your face off while everything burns around you. Yet somehow you're still expected to cradle that same codebase with the same gentle care. The glasses getting knocked off is the chef's kiss—that's your sanity leaving the chat when you realize your database just went nuclear.

Content Based on a true story: xxx: OK, so, our build engineer has left for another company. The dude was literally living inside the terminal. You know, that type of a guy who loves Vim, creates diagrams in Dot and writes wiki-posts in Markdown... If something - anything - requires more than 90 seconds of his time, he writes a script to automate that. xxx: So we're sitting here, looking through his, uhm, "legacy" xxx: You're gonna love this xxx: smack-my-bitch-up.sh - sends a text message "late at work" to his wife (apparently). Automatically picks reasons from an array of strings, randomly. Runs inside a cron-job. The job fires if there are active SSH-sessions on the server after 9pm with his login. xxx: kumar-asshole.sh - scans the inbox for emails from "Kumar" (a DBA at our clients). Looks for keywords like "help" "trouble" "sorry" etc. If keywords are found - the script SSHes into the clients server and rolls back the staging database to the latest backup. Then sends a reply "no worries mate, be careful next time". xxx: hangover.sh - another cron-job that is set to specific dates. Sends automated emails like "not feeling wellgonna work from home" etc. Adds a random "reason" from another predefined array of strings. Fires if there are no interactive sessions on the server at 8:45am. xxx: (and the oscar goes to) fucking-coffee.sh - this one waits exactly 17 seconds (!), then opens a telnet session to our coffee-machine (we had no frikin idea the coffee machine is on the network, runs linux and has a TCP socket up and running) and sends something like sys brew . Turns out this thing starts brewing a mid-sized half- caf latte and waits another 24 (!) seconds before pouring it into a cup. The timing is exactly how long it takes to walk to the machine from the dudes desk. xxx: holy sht l'm keeping those

That crushing moment of defeat when your SQL masterpiece—a sprawling labyrinth of JOINs and subqueries that took half your day to craft—finally executes without errors... only to mockingly return an empty result set. The database equivalent of applauding your own funeral. The player's face-down position perfectly captures that special kind of developer despair where you're not even angry anymore—just disappointed in yourself, the database, and possibly the entire concept of relational data.

Content rAskReddit uS Eleni 12h After you die, you get access to a database with all the information ever known or collected throughout human history. What do you search for first? Discussion T 4.5k 2.0k Share BEST COMMENTS NicNoletree 11h 1 Award Find out what database software they use, how much data they have, and begin looking at the table structure and relationships. Reply 4 1.4k jeremy1015 6h Plot twist: It's Mongo and the entirety of human history is stored in a single JSON object. The top level is a key called "events" and the value is an unsorted array. 4 217 J JuniorSenior Trainee 3h Turns out god is a really nervous DB admin waiting for the inevitable. All the Apocalypse stuff in the Bible was actually just a misunderstanding of him saying "Guys you don't get it, I literally built this shit in seven days when I probably should've spent years on it. But management was pressuring me to deliver in seven days so I had to hack together this garbage and it will definitely break any minute now. 159 Ar4n 2h Mistranslation in the Bible. On the 7th day he tested.

Loading a plane into a cargo jet is about as efficient as storing JSON in SQL. Sure, it technically works, but it's like wearing formal shoes to the beach—you've completely missed the point. And your company does this with XML as nvarchar strings? That's taking inefficiency to an art form. It's like photocopying a painting, faxing the copy, then taking a picture of the fax with a flip phone. Seven years of database optimization techniques thrown out the window because someone in 2005 said "just make it work for the demo."

THE AUDACITY of people pronouncing SQL as "sequel" is the hill I will DIE ON! 💀 It's S-Q-L, you monsters! The full name is "Structured Query Language" - where exactly is this mythical "E" hiding?! Database developers across the universe are LITERALLY SPLITTING INTO WARRING FACTIONS over this pronunciation catastrophe. One side smugly spelling it out letter by letter while the "sequel" crowd struts around like they've invented a better sorting algorithm. The database wars aren't about Oracle vs. MySQL - they're about who's going to snap first in the next meeting when someone says "sequel server" instead of "S-Q-L server"!