Pivo Table: The Data Analyst's Happy Hour

Content EVER HEARD OF CTAL-UP Governor Mike Parson GovParsonMO Through a multi-step process, an individual took the records of at least three educators, decoded the HTML source code, and viewed the SSN of those specific educators. We notified the Cole County prosecutor and the Highway Patrol's Digital Forensic Unit will iminvestigate. Governor Mike Parson GovParsonMO A hacker is someone who gains unauthorized access to information or content. This individual did not have permission to do what they did. They had no authorization to convert and decode the code. 1:10 PM - Oct 14, 2021 Twitter for iPhone

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Content Based on a true story: xxx: OK, so, our build engineer has left for another company. The dude was literally living inside the terminal. You know, that type of a guy who loves Vim, creates diagrams in Dot and writes wiki-posts in Markdown... If something - anything - requires more than 90 seconds of his time, he writes a script to automate that. xxx: So we're sitting here, looking through his, uhm, "legacy" xxx: You're gonna love this xxx: smack-my-bitch-up.sh - sends a text message "late at work" to his wife (apparently). Automatically picks reasons from an array of strings, randomly. Runs inside a cron-job. The job fires if there are active SSH-sessions on the server after 9pm with his login. xxx: kumar-asshole.sh - scans the inbox for emails from "Kumar" (a DBA at our clients). Looks for keywords like "help" "trouble" "sorry" etc. If keywords are found - the script SSHes into the clients server and rolls back the staging database to the latest backup. Then sends a reply "no worries mate, be careful next time". xxx: hangover.sh - another cron-job that is set to specific dates. Sends automated emails like "not feeling wellgonna work from home" etc. Adds a random "reason" from another predefined array of strings. Fires if there are no interactive sessions on the server at 8:45am. xxx: (and the oscar goes to) fucking-coffee.sh - this one waits exactly 17 seconds (!), then opens a telnet session to our coffee-machine (we had no frikin idea the coffee machine is on the network, runs linux and has a TCP socket up and running) and sends something like sys brew . Turns out this thing starts brewing a mid-sized half- caf latte and waits another 24 (!) seconds before pouring it into a cup. The timing is exactly how long it takes to walk to the machine from the dudes desk. xxx: holy sht l'm keeping those

Content Run it again. Even if you didn't change anything. Just do it.

Content Over the break, many of you may have forgotten your passwords. So I've taken the liberty of printing them up for you. You have access to all our passwords in plaintext? It's for security purposes. This actually happened. fuzzyzillacomics

Content DEAR VARIOUS PARENTS, GRANDPARENTS, CO WORKERS, AND OTHER "NOT COMPUTER PEOPLE WE DON'T MAGICALLY KNOW HOW TO DO EVERYTHING IN EVERY PROGRAM. WHEN WE HELP YOU, WE'RE USUALLY JUST DOING THIS: START FIND A MENU ITEM OR BUTTON WHICH LOOKS RELATED TO WHAT YOU WANT TO DO. OK y CLICK IT. I CAN'T FIND ONE PICK ONE AT RANDOM. OK IVE TRIED THEM ALL NO HAVE YOU BEEN TRYING THIS FOR OVER HALF AN HOUR? YES ASK SOMEONE FOR HELP OR GIVE UP. NO DID IT WORK? YES GOOGLE THE NAME OF THE PROGRAM PLUS A FEW WORDS RELATED TO WHAT YOU WANT TO DO. FolLOW ANY INSTRUCTIONS. YOURE DONE! PLEASE PRINT THIS FLOWCHART OUT AND TAPE IT NEAR YOUR SCREEN. CONGRATULATIONS; YOU'RE NOW THE LOCAL COMPUTER EXPERT!