I Have Been Attacked

Content Len Markidan Chief Marketing Officer at Podia FB Advertising Target Facebook Jul 2004 - Present 18 yrs 2 mos Home - Recruited as early user for my experience with having an edu email address. - Received a "Facebook Beanie" award for performance in 2006 March Madness bracket. - Consistently retargeted by F500 brands such as Samsung, Proctor Gamble, and Verizon. Prime Member Amazon Feb 2008 - Present 14 yrs 7 mos Home - Increased order volume by 823 over 7 years - Researched diverse product catalog, spanning departments from Simplehuman bag liners to cat food. - Regularly reported on product quality using review portal. Uncertified Genius Apple Nov 2003 - Present 18 yrs 10 mos Home - Led remote tech support for older family members throughout the country. - Maintained Siri comprehension rate of over 55 for three consecutive years. - Once put off a software update for over 8 months. Account Manager Netflix Apr 2009 - Present 13 yrs 5 mos Home - Responsible for managing (and paying for) account shared by 5 globally distributed family members. - Exceeded market benchmarks by typing password using Roku remote with 48 accuracy or greater - Multi-year recipient of suggestions for movies I've already watched. G Data Source Google Jul 2002 - Present 20 yrs 2 mos Home - Responsible for managing submissions of monetizable personal data across a diverse suite of products including Search, Gmail, Maps, and more. - Troubleshoot Calendar sync issues. - Received 1 ranking in Search for my own name.

Content TYPICAL APPLE PRODUCT.. (TOUCH A GOOGLE PRODUCT... FIND YOUR COMPANY'S APP. FIRST NAME: I TYPE CD: LAST NAME. ITQP STAT:OI SSN: ID: FTPT: VER: CAT CD: PHONE 1:0 CITY: PHONE: STATE: ADDRESS : ORD : 0 00? DEL DELETE SELECT BRONSE

Microsoft out here trying to defend telemetry while Google's like "yeah but I only track your browsing history, search queries, location, emails, and literally everything you do online." Apple's playing the privacy card while still collecting data, just with better PR. And then there's Linux—the only one genuinely confused why anyone would even want to spy on users. The beauty here is that Linux is the kid at the party who doesn't understand why everyone else is being shady. Open source transparency hits different when you realize you can literally read the code and see there's no telemetry nonsense baked in. Meanwhile, the big three are just arguing over who's less invasive, which is like debating who's the tallest dwarf.

Content STOP DOING TYPES VARIABLES WERE NOT SUPPOSED TO HAVE MEANING. YEARS OF CODING yet NO REAL-WORLD USE FOUND for assigning more than a CHAR. Wanted to assign meaning anyway for a laugh? We had a method for that: It was called "GUESSING" "Yes please give me NULL of something. Please give me ANY of it." LOOK at what Programmers have been demanding your Respect for all this time, with all the compilers debuggers we built for them. (This is SUPERIOR TYPESCRIPT, done by MASTERFUL Developers): type ConditionalTypeT T extends string type PizzaTopping "4" PromiseArrayRecordstring, unknown ? T extends "infer Firstinfer Rest? UppercaseFirst Rest ???? ??????? ???????????? "Hello, I would like never apples please" They have played us for absolute clowns.

The eternal battle of development environments! On the left, we have sleek iPads representing modern Apple hardware—thin, light, beautiful, and probably costs more than your monthly rent. On the right? A battle-hardened ThinkPad running Linux with terminal windows that look like they're decrypting the Matrix. Plot twist: that ancient ThinkPad has survived three coffee spills, two office moves, and can compile kernel code while the iPad is still trying to figure out if it's a computer or a really expensive cutting board. The real punchline? That 10-year-old ThinkPad with its mechanical keyboard and enough ports to connect to NASA is probably the one actually shipping production code. Those stickers aren't decoration—they're battle scars!

The eternal OS wars distilled into a beautiful grid of delusion and projection. Windows users think they're party animals while everyone else sees them as confused toddlers with toy laptops. Mac users strut around like red carpet celebrities, but Windows users see them as ancient typewriter enthusiasts and Linux users see them playing with literal baby toys. Meanwhile, Linux users view themselves as Neo from The Matrix—cool, enlightened, transcendent beings who've escaped the simulation. But to Windows users, they're just nerdy kids with thick glasses taking awkward group photos. And Mac users? They see Linux folks as cyberpunk traders drowning in terminal windows. The best part? Everyone's wrong about everyone, including themselves. Classic tribalism where your choice of operating system somehow defines your entire personality. Spoiler alert: we're all just clicking buttons and cursing at error messages regardless of the logo on our screen.