Replace "AI" With "Cocaine" In Tech Posts

The eternal battle between sales and engineering continues! Sales execs looking at new projects like they're discovering the One Ring to rule them all – "Let's sprinkle some blockchain and AI on it!" Meanwhile, developers are channeling their inner Aragorn with a firm "NO" that contains the exhaustion of a thousand pointless standups. It's the corporate version of "We have blockchain at home. The blockchain at home: an Excel spreadsheet with a password." The irony? Most projects that "need" blockchain and AI could be solved with a decent database and some if/else statements.

Nvidia's AI assistant just pulled the classic "have you tried upgrading to a better GPU?" move on someone who already owns their top-tier RTX 5090 . This is like a doctor recommending heart surgery to a patient with an artificial heart they installed last week. The irony is absolutely delicious—Nvidia's own tool can't recognize its flagship product and instead tries to upsell the very hardware that's already powering the conversation. It's the GPU equivalent of "Did you try turning it off and on again?" except it costs $2000.

OH. MY. GOD. Someone actually asked ChatGPT to code the gender pay gap into existence! 😱 The absolute AUDACITY to create a function that multiplies a man's salary by 0.77 to get a woman's salary! This is like asking an AI to mathematically formalize inequality while wearing a suit and pretending it's just "realistic programming." The function is so brutally honest it might as well have variable names like "systematic_inequality" and "patriarchy_coefficient." Whoever prompted this probably also asks for functions to calculate how many kitchen appliances equal one sports car. 💀

Oh, the beautiful irony! Training AI to spew corporate buzzwords and then mistaking that for consciousness is like thinking your parrot understands quantum physics because it can squawk "synergy" and "circle back." Turns out the Turing test is just asking, "Can you use the phrase 'let's take this offline' without actually solving anything?" If meaningless jargon is the benchmark for intelligence, we've been working with artificial intelligence in management for decades!

Ah yes, the coveted "No AI" badge—proudly displayed by developers who spent 17 hours debugging their own spaghetti code instead of asking ChatGPT to fix it in 3 seconds. It's like bragging about churning your own butter when there's a perfectly good supermarket next door. "Look at me, I suffered unnecessarily and have the dark circles under my eyes to prove it!" Meanwhile, the deadline was yesterday and the client is wondering why a simple feature costs more than their car payment.

This is AI having an existential crisis over basic math. First it says 9.9 is larger than 9.11, then flips to claim 9.11 is larger because it's "closer to 9.2" (what?!), then flip-flops again after a simple "Bruh" call-out, only to completely reverse position AGAIN. And programmers are worried this will replace them? The only thing this AI is replacing is my faith in technology. Maybe we should ask it if 2+2=4 and watch it have a complete meltdown. Job security for developers has never looked better!