Every New Project Be Like...

Ah, the mythical linear scaling of development teams! The PM hears "one dev = one month" and brilliantly concludes "ten devs = three days!" Because clearly, software development works exactly like assembling furniture—just throw more people at it! What the PM doesn't realize is that those 10 devs will spend 2.9 days in meetings discussing how to split the work, setting up version control, and explaining to each other why their approach is superior. The remaining 0.1 days is actual coding. Brooks' Law sends its regards from 1975. Spoiler alert: adding more developers to a late project makes it later.

Ah, the sacred ritual of the desperate dev team. There they are, dressed in ceremonial robes, performing ancient prayers to the almighty compiler gods. "Please, just one successful build before the scrum master asks why we're behind schedule!" Nothing quite captures the existential dread of watching that progress bar crawl along at 3 minutes before standup. The incense is burning, candles lit, and somewhere in the background, a junior developer is sacrificing their last Red Bull to appease the CI/CD pipeline. Bonus points if you've ever whispered "I promise to comment my code properly from now on" while staring at a loading screen.

The eternal saga of code reviews in one Slack message. Dude casually drops "i think cursor fixed it, can i merge?" and gets absolutely 875 replies of people tearing his code apart. That's not a code review—that's a digital intervention! Guarantee those replies are filled with "Actually..." and "Well, technically..." comments dissecting his cursor fix like it's a murder scene. Pro tip: never ask if you can merge unless you're prepared for your colleagues to discover every sin you've committed since learning to code.

The eternal corporate time paradox strikes again. Junior dev's optimistic "Of course!" to a 6-month deadline sends the entire management chain into Harry Potter villain mode. The looks of horror aren't because they fear failure—they know exactly what's coming: 18 months of scope creep, burnout, and explaining to the CEO why "almost done" isn't actually done. The mentor's face says it all: "I tried to teach you estimation skills, but here we are." Meanwhile, the projector lady is already planning the PowerPoint for the inevitable project post-mortem.

The perfect storm of tech startup dysfunction! Two muscular figures shake hands, representing the unholy alliance between "Engineers who can't code" and "Marketers who can't market" - creating the ultimate "Vibe Startup." It's like building a rocket ship where nobody knows aerospace engineering but everyone's really enthusiastic about space. These companies somehow raise millions on buzzwords and good energy alone. The codebase is just Stack Overflow snippets held together with hopes and prayers, while the marketing strategy consists entirely of posting motivational quotes on LinkedIn. But hey, the office has kombucha on tap and a ping-pong table, so obviously they're the next unicorn!

OH. MY. GOD. The absolute TRAUMA of hearing "Move Fast, Break Things" for the 9,467th time! 😤 That phrase - Facebook's infamous mantra turned startup gospel - is the battle cry of every hoodie-wearing CEO who thinks destroying production databases is somehow "innovative." Meanwhile, the poor souls in ops are having ACTUAL HEART PALPITATIONS every time some "visionary" decides to push untested code on Friday at 4:59pm. The face in this meme is LITERALLY every sysadmin's soul leaving their body after hearing some fresh-out-of-bootcamp developer cheerfully announce they're "disrupting" the perfectly functional authentication system. PLEASE STOP THE MADNESS!