Og Web Developers Were Built Different

Ah, the classic Medium experience. Shows up all excited with pizza (free articles), only to discover the place is literally on fire with paywalled content, AI garbage, and people yelling at each other about tech stacks. Yet we keep coming back like digital masochists. The "Stop using X" articles are particularly chef's-kiss terrible—written by someone who used the technology for exactly 37 minutes before declaring it "fundamentally broken."

Ah, the classic Teletubbies invasion of your codebase! The meme brilliantly shows how synchronous functions (a through e) work together in harmony, holding hands in a neat little circle. But then that one async function shows up and BOOM – suddenly your clean execution flow is replaced by an army of purple creatures taking over everything. This is basically what happens when you introduce that first async function into your previously synchronous paradise. One minute you're writing nice, predictable code where everything happens in order. The next minute you're dealing with promises, callbacks, race conditions, and wondering why your console is printing results in what seems like a completely random order. And just like Teletubbies, once async enters your codebase, it multiplies uncontrollably until your entire project is saying "Eh-oh" to debugging sanity.

The eternal JavaScript framework cycle in one perfect image! Three scientists examining a rocket blueprint while standing next to an actual janky rocket made of paper and traffic cones. The disconnect between what we think we're building ("MY JS FRAMEWORK") versus what we actually are ("SOFTWARE ENGINEERS") is *chef's kiss*. Every six months some genius cobbles together a new JS framework held together with duct tape and promises, convincing themselves they're rocket scientists revolutionizing web development. Meanwhile, actual computer scientists are laughing their PhDs off watching us reinvent the wheel with increasingly elaborate names.

Oh. My. GOD. The absolute AUDACITY of developers to put "save humanity" and "marry tall girl" on the SAME TODO list! 💀 Like honey, you can't even remember to remove those console.log() statements before pushing to production, but sure, SAVING THE ENTIRE HUMAN RACE is just another ticket in your Jira board. Right next to your anime-inspired romantic fantasies! The true tragedy is that both tasks will sit there for eternity, getting pushed to "next sprint" until the heat death of the universe. Just like that refactoring task from 2019. YOU KNOW THE ONE.

Running git blame is like opening Pandora's box of workplace drama! You start all confident thinking "I'll find who wrote this garbage" only to discover it was YOUR BOSS all along. That moment when your face transitions from detective to absolute horror as you realize you're about to refactor code written by the person who signs your paychecks. Time to quietly close the terminal and pretend you never saw anything... 🙈

The power outlet Jenga tower of doom – the perfect metaphor for modern development! You start with a "tiny project" that somehow requires npm installing half the internet. Next thing you know, you're daisy-chaining power adapters like some mad electrical engineer because your "simple app" now depends on 17 frameworks, 42 libraries, and that one obscure package maintained by a mysterious developer who might actually be a cat. The best part? Remove any single adapter and the whole project crashes harder than my production server during a demo!