No I Can't Hack Your Facebook

PostgreSQL documentation writers have clearly reached that point of database security fatigue where threats become increasingly absurd. Forget SQL injection—now it's foreign hackers stealing your embarrassing CD collection, con artists seducing your cat with your Visa card, and balaclava-wearing villains who not only drink your beer but commit the ultimate crime: improper toilet paper orientation. The escalating consequences for string concatenation are the perfect example of documentation writers who've completely lost it trying to scare developers into using parameterized queries. And honestly? It's working.

Ah, the classic moral dilemma of tech careers! Top panel: struggling CompSci grad living in darkness, probably surviving on ramen and despair. Bottom panel: the same person transformed into a glorious angel warrior once defense contractors like Lockheed Martin, Boeing, and Rheinmetall slide into their DMs. Nothing says "I've compromised my youthful idealism" quite like going from "I want to change the world with code" to "I'll help build systems that make things go boom for the right salary package." Principles are just luxury items you sell when rent is due!

Top panel: "Oh look at my cute little website with its adorable traffic spike at 7pm!" Bottom panel: *Cold sweat intensifies* Someone's trying to access every single .env file, config, and AWS credential on your server. Nothing says "welcome to the internet" quite like watching hackers systematically probe your site's defenses while you realize your security is about as robust as a chocolate teapot. Pro tip: if your logs look like this, you're not having a website - a website is having you.

The entire tech industry right now is just a Jenga tower of random components with AI duct-taped to the side. Venture capitalists throwing money at anything with "AI-powered" in the pitch deck while engineers frantically try to keep the whole rickety structure from collapsing. Meanwhile, my toaster now needs a privacy policy and wants to know my location. Progress!

THE DRAMA OF SERVER LIFE! 😱 This laptop is literally BEGGING for its life with a note that screams "I'M A SERVER" in what can only be described as the most passive-aggressive plea in tech history. That poor machine is probably running some mission-critical application while Susan from accounting keeps trying to "fix it" by turning it off. HONEY, THAT'S NOT A FACEBOOK MACHINE! That's the reason the entire company can access their files! The absolute AUDACITY of people treating servers like regular laptops! Next time your IT person looks dead inside, this is why. They've taped one too many desperate notes to improvised server hardware.

Foreign intelligence agencies are having their easiest day ever. Nothing says "career suicide" quite like uploading Department of Defense codebase to a random AI app with a blue whale logo. The intern's about to learn why security clearances exist and why "helpful" free apps are sometimes just fancy honeypots. Next week's headline: "Former intern seeks asylum in country with no extradition treaty."