TS Should Have Been Rewritten In Rust

Kid: "Can we stop and get some C++?" Mom: "We have C++ at home." The C++ at home? Rust with its infamous borrow checker slapping you with unsafe fn main() warnings every time you try to do literally anything fun with memory. It's like asking for a sports car and getting a tank with 47 seatbelts and a breathalyzer. Sure, it'll get you there... after you fill out the proper paperwork in triplicate and promise not to touch anything shiny.

Finally, someone said the quiet part out loud. Every time management pushes for a shiny new tech stack, my bank account feels a disturbance in the force. That moment when your 15 years of C++ wizardry becomes less valuable than a junior who completed "Rust in 30 Days" on Udemy. Memory safety? More like salary safety... for the company. The tech industry's greatest magic trick: convincing us that rewriting perfectly functional systems is about "innovation" rather than resetting the salary clock. Same playbook as when they renamed "programmers" to "software engineers" to "developers" to "ninjas" - different title, same work, fresh salary bands. Guess I'll start learning Rust while updating my LinkedIn to "Blockchain AI Quantum Rust Developer" to stay relevant until the next language comes to destroy my market value.

C++ developers watching Rust evangelists talk about memory safety is the programming equivalent of a wolf staring down a chihuahua. Sure, the chihuahua is making valid points about not eating the neighbors, but the wolf's been managing just fine with raw power and sharp teeth for decades, thank you very much. After 35 years of manual memory management, we've seen some things. And yeah, maybe we've caused a few segfaults that took down production servers at 2AM, but that's just character building.

HONEY, SWEETIE, DARLING! The absolute AUDACITY of claiming English is the most powerful language while Rust developers are literally having existential crises trying to appease the almighty borrow checker! 💅 English might get you a coffee at Starbucks, but Rust prevents entire categories of memory errors and makes your code practically bulletproof! The programming language equivalent of having bodyguards, a security system, AND a moat with alligators! Meanwhile, English can't even decide if "read" is pronounced "reed" or "red" without context! THE DRAMA!

The top panel shows the Rust experience: find a library on crates.io, run one command, import it, and you're done. The stick figure even has their arms outstretched in celebration. Meanwhile, C++ is depicted as the ninth circle of dependency hell. Finding libraries across random websites, manually downloading tar files, and engaging in ritual combat with CMake until your build inevitably fails. The stick figures are literally hanging themselves in despair. And this is why some of us drink heavily before attempting to add external libraries to C++ projects.

The irony of programming language names is just *chef's kiss*. Python isn't named after an actual snake but a comedy group (Monty Python). Rust isn't named after iron oxide but the fungus. Java isn't named after an island but coffee. And JavaScript? That was just marketing trying to piggyback on Java's popularity despite having about as much in common as a submarine and a sandwich. Naming things is supposedly one of the two hardest problems in computer science, and somehow we've managed to make it even more confusing. Next time someone asks me to name a new microservice, I'm calling it "FileProcessor" just to watch everyone's heads explode from the shocking clarity.