Who's Done This At Least Once? 🙋‍♂️

Content me: telling manager that i got the project done. Manager: WOW! that was fast! me: made with mematic ProarammerHumor.io Fuck.

Content BEGINNER GITUSER imafio.com MERGE CONFLICTS

Ah, the classic bait-and-switch of tech job descriptions! Squidward's initial excitement at a promising job opportunity immediately deflates when he spots the deal-breaker: "ability to obtain a US government security clearance." For those in the tech world, this is the equivalent of finding out your dream date has a strict "must not have posted anything questionable online ever" policy. Between questionable forum posts, that one time you downloaded something sketchy, or that phase where you thought anarchist manifestos were cool reading material—most developers' internet history is basically a government background check's worst nightmare. The security clearance requirement is basically corporate-speak for "we need someone with the online purity of a newborn baby but the coding skills of a 40-year veteran."

The moment you realize those intimidating Greek symbols from calculus are just fancy for-loops in disguise. Sigma (Σ) is literally just a sum += operation, and Pi (Π) is just prod *= in a trench coat. Years of math anxiety could've been avoided if they'd just shown us the code equivalent first. Next they'll tell us integrals are just while loops with extra steps.

When your database race starts off with the trendy new kids (OLTP, OLAP, NoSQL, VectorDB) confidently sprinting ahead, but then SQL comes in like a vengeful god with its classic problems: deadlocks, negative account balances, unsupported JOINs, and the eternal "still building that index..." message. The real kicker? That little guy watching from the sidelines with a wrench is probably the DBA who's been warning everyone about proper indexing strategies for the past three months. But sure, let's just throw more RAM at it. Meanwhile VectorDB is already having an existential crisis trying to figure out what a deadlock even means in vector space.

You know you've leveled up in your career when you realize your calendar has become your worst enemy. Senior dev walks in all confident like "I'm a grown man, I'm a senior developer, I can handle a quick call" - then opens their laptop to discover they've been double-booked into meeting hell. That calendar is absolutely bleeding red with back-to-back meetings. Sprint planning, retrospectives, stand-ups, architecture reviews, stakeholder syncs, "quick" calls that are never quick, and probably three meetings that could've been a Slack message. The best part? The tiny note at the bottom: "*MEETINGS SCHEDULED ALL THE TIME" - like some kind of dystopian disclaimer. The progression from confident senior dev to crying mess is *chef's kiss*. Turns out being senior means less coding and more explaining why things take time to people who think development is just typing really fast. Welcome to the dark side, where your IDE collects dust and your Zoom background is more familiar than your own bedroom.