The Overengineering Champion

The GitHub contribution graph: where your self-worth as a developer gets reduced to little green squares. We've got "Just a Developer" with their random sprinkles of productivity, "The Weekender" who only codes when normal people are partying, and "The Unrealistic Expectations" who apparently never sleeps, eats, or touches grass. Don't forget "Getting Ready to Search for a New Job" with that sudden burst of activity right before updating the resume. The "GitHub Wizard" trying to look consistently productive, "The Mondrian" creating actual art with their commits, and "The Cupid Shuffle" forming little hearts because... why code efficiently when you can make your contribution graph look pretty? Remember kids, quantity of commits ≠ quality of code. But try telling that to recruiters who think your GitHub activity is a personality test.

THE AUDACITY! Spend your ENTIRE ACADEMIC CAREER having "copying is unacceptable" drilled into your skull, only to enter the workforce where programmers are literally PROUD of stealing code! 💅 That moment when one dev confesses "Bro, I copied your code" and the other just shrugs "It's not my code" is the ULTIMATE BETRAYAL of everything education promised! Meanwhile, StackOverflow and GitHub exist SOLELY so we can copy each other's solutions without having to think! The education system LIED TO US! Welcome to professional programming, where "copying" magically transforms into "code reuse" and "leveraging existing solutions" the second you get that paycheck! DRAMATIC GASP!

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When a colleague announces they're leaving, there are two types of developers: those who mourn the loss of institutional knowledge, and those who've seen Billy's SQL queries. Poor Billy committed the cardinal database sin: using a cross join with a group-by clause. That's like using a flamethrower to light birthday candles – technically it works, but the collateral damage is... extensive. The remaining team members aren't celebrating Billy's departure – they're planning his execution before he can push that monstrosity to production. Because nothing says "farewell party" like debugging someone's queries that would bring a database server to its knees.

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