Small Talk? Best I Can Do Is Complaining About Microsoft

The eternal debate about the best PC game of all time just got settled... by a Windows screensaver. That's right, 3D Space Cadet Pinball—the game that kept you sane during system crashes and software installations in the 90s. Who needs fancy graphics, complex storylines, or $70 price tags when you've got physics that make absolutely no sense and that satisfying "TILT" message whenever you get too excited with the spacebar? The real AAA gaming experience was hiding in your Windows installation all along.

The corporate tech evolution in one perfect comic! Top panel: Apple guy compliments Susan, she's flattered. Bottom panel: Windows Vista guy says the exact same thing, and suddenly she's calling HR. It's basically the tech version of the "be attractive, don't be unattractive" rule. Apple gets away with everything while Windows Vista—literally the most universally hated OS in history—gets reported faster than it crashes. The irony is brutal. In tech, your market reputation determines whether the exact same behavior is "charming" or "call security immediately." Microsoft fans in shambles right now.

Microsoft's approach to Blue Screen of Death bugs is like finding a 26-year-old bug in your codebase and pretending it's a new feature. Windows 95 to Windows 11? That's not legacy code, that's an heirloom passed down through generations of developers! The real question is whether Microsoft fixes bugs or just creates elaborate workarounds while counting cash. Hey, if it crashed for your grandparents, it should crash for you too—tradition matters!

Internet Explorer's sole purpose in life has been reduced to downloading other browsers. The little blue 'e' desperately seeks validation—"Hey does anyone need me?"—only to be met with cold rejection. But then! A glimmer of hope when someone finally needs it... just to download Firefox. The circle of browser life continues. The only time IE gets any attention is when you've formatted your PC and need something—ANYTHING—to download Chrome, Firefox, or literally any other browser. It's like being the ladder that helps someone climb up, only to be kicked away immediately after.

The eternal Windows shutdown betrayal. You've wrapped up your work, closed all 47 browser tabs, and finally hit shutdown, ready to escape your digital prison. Then it happens: "Getting Windows Ready" appears. Your 30-second exit strategy has just become an existential crisis with no progress bar. Even worse is the accidental restart—the digital equivalent of stepping on a LEGO at midnight. The transformation from hopeful human to horrified ghoul is completely justified.

Content How to fix any computer The Oatmeal Windows Step I. Reboot Apple Step I. Take it to an Apple store. v Did that fix it, No? Proceed to step a Did that fix it; No? Proceed to step a Step a. Format hard drive Reinstall Windows Lose all your files. Quietly weep. Step a. Buy a new Mac. Overdraw your account. Quietly weep. Linux Step I. Learn to code in C. Recompile the kernel. Build your own microprocessor out of spare silicon you had lying around. Recompile the kernel again. Switch distros Recompile the kernel again but this time using a CPU powered by refracted light from Saturn. Grow a giont beard. Blame Sun Microsusters. Turn your bedroom into a server closet and spend ten years falling asleep to the sound of whirring fans. Switch distros again. Abandon all hugene. Write a regular expression that would make other precrammers cry blood. Learn to code in Java Recompile the kernel again Cut thic time while wearing your lucky socks) Did that fix its Nor Proceed to step an Step a. Revert back to using Windows or a Mac. Quietlu weep.