Excel's February Existential Crisis

Content Why someone would use as a first programming language: Python: For it's simple syntax Java: To learn basic computer science concepts C: See Java BASIC: They were in cryogenic storage since 1968 Bash: To make themselves feel productive Git: To actually, why would someone use Git as their FIRST language? HTML: To make themselves feel like a programmer CSS: To make themselves feel like a cooler programmer JavaScript: They have a really good idea for a website TypeScript: They have a REALLY good idea for a website Brainfuck: They want to gain new respect for Alan Turing C: Meth addict that needs the same speed from their language C: Cocaine addict that needs the same speed from their language Carbon: To get a head-start on the 10-year job requirement PHP: Masochism Fortran: Masochism but with a better paycheck Rust: Cult induction Microsoft Excel: To feel like a geek without being a programmer Game of Life: Ooh... pretty squares.

While philosophers debate whether the glass is half empty or half full, Excel is over here interpreting your liquid level as a date because why not? This perfectly captures Excel's notorious habit of converting anything remotely numeric into dates whether you want it to or not. Type "1/2" meaning one-half? Nope, that's January 2nd now. Your simple fraction? Sorry, it's February 1st. The eternal struggle of every data analyst who's ever screamed at their screen: "NO EXCEL, THAT'S NOT A DATE!"

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Content Microsoft to Copyright Pi, Found to Contain Entire Arial Font In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the tech and math communities, Microsoft has announced plans to copyright the constant pi (r). The company claims to have discovered that pi, when properly decoded, contains the entire Arial fontface. Dr. Calibri explained: "We were analyzing pi's decimal expansion when we noticed a pattern starting at the 3,141,592nd decimal place. By treating certain sequences as SVG path instructions, we found that the resulting Bezier curves perfectly matched the outlines of Arial characters in alphabetical order." Microsoft's legal team wasted no time in filing a copyright claim on pi, arguing that since it contains their proprietary font, they now own the rights to the number itself. This move has sparked outrage among mathematicians and free software advocates alike. Meanwhile, Google is rumored to be searching for Roboto hidden within the digits of e.

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