Street Magic: JavaScript Edition

Content IF THE WORLD WAS CREATED BY A PROGRAMMER IN THE BEGINNING, THERE WAS THE HEAVEN AND THE EaRTH BUT THE EARTH WAS FORMLESS AND BUGGY, WITHOUT DOCUMENTATION BY toggl AND THE PROGRAMMER SAW THAT IT WAS NOT GOOD THEN YOU SAID "LET THERE BE LIGHT! BUT THE LIGHT DID NOT COMPILE. ON THE SECOND DAY. YOU MERGE WATER YOU CREATE A HACK SO THAT LIGHT IS PART THE LAND TO CREATE DARKNESS, YOU NEED TO HIDE THE LAND, BUT THat's OK CAUSE CREATURES WONT BE ADDED UNTIL LATER AND STACKOVERFLOW SAID IT'S FINE BUT BECAUSE OF THE DEPENDENCY, LIGHT BREAKS AS LAND IS ACCIDENTALL: FLOODED YOU CHECK STACKOVERFLOW (IN THE DARKNESS) IT's The thiRd DaY. TURNS OUT THE CREATURES NEEDED TO BE ADDED SOONER BUT THE CLIENT FORGOT to MENTION THAT You TRY TO ADD CREATURES YOU ADD THEM IN THE IN THE DARKNESS, BUT BROWSER USING COOKIES THERE'S NO LAND WITHOUT UNFORTUNATELY MAKES TuSM MORTAL LIGHT, AND YOU CAN'T HAVE LIGHT BECAUSE OF THE WATFO IT's THE FOURTH DAY. TURNS OUT THE ISSUES WERE CAUSED BY THE FLAT EARTH DESIGN YOU DECIDE TO USE C YOU ALSO USE STI TO CREATE A BALLOON FOR ABSTRACTIONS, AND THAT INFLATES THE EARTH IT WORKS OUT GREAT wITH NO COMPLICATIONS WHATSOEVER! IT'S THE FIFTH DaY YOU START ADDING PEOPLE TO HELP YoU. ON THE SIXTH DAY YoU LOOK AT THE CHAOS YOU CREATED DANGLING I YOU DECIDE TO CREATE THEM IN YOUR LIKENESS, WHICH IS A MISTAKE REACT THEY IMMEDIATELY POPULATE THE EARTH WITH HACKS, FADS AND UNNECESSARY JAVASCRIPT LIBRARIES JESUS. REACT FUCKIT.JS) QUERY YOU ATTEmPT TO LEAD PEOPLE BACK TO SENSIBLE PROGRAMMING BUT IT IS TOO LATE - EVERYTHING RUNS ON DEPENDENCIES. DAYTIMEAIR.JS SEA.JS REALISTIC.WAVES. JS gETTERBANKS.J BASE. JS GIRAFFE.JS ON ThE SEVENTH DAY You realLy want to REST, BUT YOU NEED oRGanISe aLL You've CreaTeD MONGODB TOGGL.COM MaRT VIRKUS ProdrammerHumor.io

Two hooded figures from Planet of the Apes smugly declaring "Ah, victory" while your IDE lights up like a Christmas tree with warnings about unused imports. Meanwhile, you're frantically commenting out code you'll need next week because the linter won't shut up and the build pipeline is failing. Sure, the codebase looks cleaner, but we all know you're just going to re-import everything in three days when requirements change again.

Nothing says "I've transcended mere mortal programming" like writing JavaScript fetch requests on what appears to be a phone from 2007 with actual physical buttons. The 20% battery is the chef's kiss – clearly this developer lives dangerously. This is peak "I need to fix production NOW but I'm at my cousin's anime-themed birthday party." The code is surprisingly readable though! Gotta respect someone fetching videos with promise chains on what's essentially a calculator with a screen. The real question isn't what's stopping you from coding like this – it's why would anyone voluntarily choose this digital torture device when a proper keyboard exists somewhere in the world?

Content Virgin API Consumer JSON Fears HTML Limited to the what the API can do Has to identify himself even for read-only APIs API Provider takes away his endpoint data is 10 minutes behind 429 Too Many Requests Has to worry about quota Thinks that he is making his life easier begs his users for auth API keys has to verify his email, phone, driver's license, ssn, dna sample has to agree to Terms of Service and follow the the rules Tokens Chad third-party scraper follows no rules, doesn't agree to any terms of service Even Javascript can't stop him pays laborers to solve captchas ; Luminati BUSInesS DrOXV NeTWOrK doesn't even have a phone number scrapes so fast the backend crashes Se So Ramsab" can work anonymously has no limitations can access any data he wants parses HTML with regex MULLVAD entire industries are dedicated to stopping him 5 SMSPvA 2Captcha his business is profitable website thinks his user agent is a phone Can do whatever he wants Doesn't care about changes in policies millions of engineer hours, still can't stop him from scraping promising career at high-frequency trading firm (just scrapes in his spare time)

Content Why did the conservative developer commit node modules? Why would anyone do that? TO OWNTHE LIBS

Ever notice how government websites look like they were built when Netscape was still cool? While the rest of us are over here with reactive SPAs, CSS grids, and responsive design, government sites are like "Hey, tables and Comic Sans work just fine, thank you very much." It's like they found a developer time capsule from 1998 and said "Perfect! Ship it!" Nothing says "we value efficiency" like a website that takes 15 seconds to load a PDF form you can't even fill out electronically.