Just Blame Each Other

The four horsemen of code review: showing someone your code, them laughing at it, you defending it with a serious face, and then the horrifying realization it's already in production. That moment when your colleague points out your nested ternary operators and you're like "Yeah but it works" only to realize later your monstrosity is handling financial transactions for 2 million users. Whoops.

The four horsemen of software estimation, ladies and gentlemen. The noob's blind optimism, the junior's attempt at padding, the senior's refusal to commit, and the principal engineer's existential crisis. After 15 years in this industry, I've learned that the only accurate estimate is "it'll be done when it's done." And somehow management still expects us to plan quarterly roadmaps with precision. Magical thinking at its finest.

Nobody memorizes those tar flags. We just mentally translate them to "German beer guy compressing files." The 'c' is for create, 'x' is for extract, and 'z' is for gzip compression, but who has time for that? After 15 years in the terminal, I still mutter "create ze file" and "extrakt ze file" in a terrible accent while praying the command works. And if it doesn't? Just add more flags until something happens!

A lone dog stares contemplatively at the vast landscape, mourning the death of SMTP Basic Auth. The meme perfectly captures that special moment when tech giants decide your perfectly functional legacy system should die because "security." Meanwhile, thousands of IT admins worldwide are frantically updating ancient email scripts before everything breaks. But hey, progress, right? For the uninitiated, SMTP Basic Auth is that simple username/password authentication that's been reliably sending emails since the dawn of time. Now it's being put down like Old Yeller while modern OAuth solutions stand by, ready to introduce sixteen new points of failure.

A leaf with patchy coloration gets compared to version control commits. Nature's out here pushing code changes to production without proper code review. That leaf has more commits than my entire GitHub account from 2023. At least Mother Nature doesn't need to deal with merge conflicts or that one coworker who force-pushes to main.

OH. MY. GOD. The AUDACITY of this person claiming "four years of Git experience" when their entire workflow is clicking buttons in an IDE! 💀 The tragic comedy unfolds in four acts: clicking the branch button, making a change with the most heartfelt commit message ever ("fix this please! Thank you, I love you :)"), typing "fixed" with the eloquence of Shakespeare, and then just... clicking "Commit." THAT'S IT. THAT'S THEIR ENTIRE "GIT EXPERIENCE." Meanwhile, terminal warriors are over here rebasing interactive branches, cherry-picking commits, force-pushing with lease, and writing commit messages that would make your English professor weep tears of joy. But sure, Jan, you're a "Git expert" because you can click a button. I CANNOT EVEN. 🙄