No Need To Shout

Content Hacker Scripts Based on a true story: xxx: OK, so, our build engineer has left for another company. The dude was literally living inside the terminal. You know, that type of a guy who loves Vim, creates diagrams in Dot and writes wiki-posts in Markdown... If something - anything requires more than 90 seconds of his time, he writes a script to automate that. xxx: So we're sitting here, looking through his, uhm, "legacy" xxx: You're gonna love this xxx: smack-my-bitch-up.sh - sends a text message "late at work" to his wife (apparently). Automatically picks reasons from an array of strings, randomly. Runs inside a cron-job. The job fires if there are active SSH-sessions on the server after 9pm with his login. xxX: kumar-asshole.sh - scans the inbox for emails from "Kumar" (a DBA at our clients). Looks for keywords like "help", "trouble", "sorry etc. If keywords are found - the script SSHes into the clients server and rolls back the staging database to the latest backup. Then sends a reply "no worries mate, be careful next time". xxX: hangover.sh - another cron-job that is set to specific dates. Sends automated emails like "not feeling wellgonna work from home" etc. Adds a random "reason" from another predefined array of strings. Fires if there are no interactive sessions on the server at 8:45am. xxX: (and the oscar goes to) fucking-coffee.sh - this one waits exactly 17 seconds (!), then opens a telnet session to our coffee-machine (we had no frikin idea the coffee machine is on the network, runs linux and has a TCP socket up and running) and sends something like sys brew. Turns out this thing starts brewing a mid-sized half-caf latte and waits another 24 (!) seconds before pouring it into a cup. The timing is exactly how long it takes to walk to the machine from the dudes desk. xxx: holy sht I'm keeping those

Content The Proud Parent The Linker REPENT TOMER - Half your manager, half your senior - Designed the codebase - Will always answer your question, but only after a 5 minute on the motivations of a now rebuilt module from years ago - "I remember when we had to do that process in the AWS console with just a trackpad, uphill both ways" - Tough during code review, but genuinely happy to see you ship new features to the system The Job Security Maximizer - Always sends you a link when you ask a question, sometimes without any other words - "Look at this" - Thinks you don't know standard documentation exists - Posts medium articles in the main channel, doesn't read them - Never reviews code - First stack overflow result The Big Chiller - "Ohh, that? Sorry I totally forgot all - Been around for years, knows the entire about the code I wrote a month ago" codebase - Tells you to ask someone else for the - Friends with the CTO simplest question - Shows you the exact line of code that - Has dozens of pages of private notes, causes your bug within 5 minutes READMEs all read "initial commit" - They last shipped a commit a couple - "Have you thought about adding an months ago, you think abstracter to this abstraction? With that - Always approves your PRs we can decouple the coupler from the universe" 10 i0

Content Your Qualifications: 7 years of experience building services with .NET Core Understanding of microservice architectures Hands-on experience with modern JavaScript frameworks, such as Angular or React Expert knowledge of SQL and understanding of database principles Experience with Kafka or other messaging systems, cloud services, Docker, andor Kubernetes preferred Interpersonal skills and the ability to present to team members in a clear, articulate manner

Content He's making a database. He's sorting it twice. SELECT from contacts WHERE behavior 'nice' SQL Clause is coming to town!

Content SITUATION: THERE ARE 14 CoMPETiNG STANDARDS. HOW STANDARDS PROLIFERATE: (SEE: AC CHARGERS, CHARACTER ENCODINGS, INSTANT MESSAGING, ETC) (4?! RIDICULOUS! SOON: WE NEED TO DEVELOP ONE UNIVERSAL STANDARD THAT COVERS EVERYONE'S USE CASES. YEAH! SITUATION: THERE ARE 15 COMPETING STANDARDS. ProgrammerHumor.

The career progression of a CS grad who never quite made it. Algorithms? Blank stare. Database systems? Dead inside. But show them a joke about semicolons and suddenly they're a technical genius. It's the programming equivalent of only understanding sports through memes about referees being blind.