The Three Certainties Of Life

The perfect illustration of the Linux vs Windows dynamic. Windows users can't even uninstall Edge without the OS having an existential crisis, but Linux will happily let you delete critical system components if you use sudo . It's like Windows is your overprotective mom who won't let you touch the stove, while Linux is that cool uncle who hands you fireworks and says "figure it out, kiddo." The bootloader is basically what tells your computer how to start up. Deleting it is like removing the ignition from your car and expecting it to still run. But with great sudo power comes great responsibility—and apparently zero oversight.

Nothing screams "technically accurate benchmark testing" like comparing your laptop's battery life to your failed relationship. This guy just created the most relatable unit of measurement in tech history—the "ex-girlfriend duration." The perfect 5-star review doesn't just evaluate specs—it absolutely destroys someone named Supriya in the process. Touchpad responsiveness: excellent. Two-way communication: superior to ex. Fingerprint recognition: exclusive access guaranteed (unlike someone's loyalty, apparently). This is what happens when you let heartbroken engineers write product reviews. The laptop gets 5 stars, Supriya gets -1, and 156 people found his emotional damage "helpful."

Have you tried turning it off and on again? Oh wait, you can't! Someone's kid built a "gaming PC" out of cardboard and paint. Complete with rainbow fans, a fake SSD, and what appears to be the Windows logo drawn by someone who had Windows described to them over a bad phone connection. The real kicker? It'll probably run Crysis better than my actual machine.

Content How to fix any computer The Oatmeal Windows Step I. Reboot Apple Step I. Take it to an Apple store. v Did that fix it, No? Proceed to step a Did that fix it; No? Proceed to step a Step a. Format hard drive Reinstall Windows Lose all your files. Quietly weep. Step a. Buy a new Mac. Overdraw your account. Quietly weep. Linux Step I. Learn to code in C. Recompile the kernel. Build your own microprocessor out of spare silicon you had lying around. Recompile the kernel again. Switch distros Recompile the kernel again but this time using a CPU powered by refracted light from Saturn. Grow a giont beard. Blame Sun Microsusters. Turn your bedroom into a server closet and spend ten years falling asleep to the sound of whirring fans. Switch distros again. Abandon all hugene. Write a regular expression that would make other precrammers cry blood. Learn to code in Java Recompile the kernel again Cut thic time while wearing your lucky socks) Did that fix its Nor Proceed to step an Step a. Revert back to using Windows or a Mac. Quietlu weep.

Microsoft really out here gatekeeping desktop aesthetics like it's a premium feature. Imagine paying $100+ for an OS and being told "nah, you can't have that sunset wallpaper unless you activate." The threat is so absurdly petty that it somehow works—people actually activate Windows just to escape the default blue screen of boredom and that watermark of shame in the corner. The best part? You can still use literally everything else—run programs, browse the web, code your next billion-dollar startup—but God forbid you want to personalize your desktop. It's like being allowed to live in a house but not being able to paint the walls. Microsoft knows exactly what they're doing: they're not blocking functionality, they're blocking your vibe . And somehow that's more effective than any DRM ever invented.

OH. MY. GOD. Only 8GB of RAM in 2023?! The absolute AUDACITY! Chrome tabs are literally SCREAMING in terror right now! That poor cat's face is every developer who's tried running a modern IDE, three Docker containers, and Spotify simultaneously on 8GB. The RAM would evaporate faster than my will to live during a production outage! Gaming console manufacturers really out here thinking 8GB is luxurious while developers are begging for 32GB just to compile without their computer having an existential crisis. HONEY, I can't even open Slack without sacrificing half my system resources!