The File Deletion Witness Protection Program

Content How to fix any computer The Oatmeal Windows Step I. Reboot Apple Step I. Take it to an Apple store. v Did that fix it, No? Proceed to step a Did that fix it; No? Proceed to step a Step a. Format hard drive Reinstall Windows Lose all your files. Quietly weep. Step a. Buy a new Mac. Overdraw your account. Quietly weep. Linux Step I. Learn to code in C. Recompile the kernel. Build your own microprocessor out of spare silicon you had lying around. Recompile the kernel again. Switch distros Recompile the kernel again but this time using a CPU powered by refracted light from Saturn. Grow a giont beard. Blame Sun Microsusters. Turn your bedroom into a server closet and spend ten years falling asleep to the sound of whirring fans. Switch distros again. Abandon all hugene. Write a regular expression that would make other precrammers cry blood. Learn to code in Java Recompile the kernel again Cut thic time while wearing your lucky socks) Did that fix its Nor Proceed to step an Step a. Revert back to using Windows or a Mac. Quietlu weep.

Content Graeme Coleman V graemecoleman Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type "" on a Windows laptop I go to Beyonc's Wikipedia page and copypaste the letter from there.

That 0.06Hz difference between 59.934 and 59.994 is keeping me up at night. It's like watching someone align UI elements by eye instead of using a grid system. Five years with that monitor and you never noticed? Your brain has probably been subconsciously twitching this whole time while you blamed it on too much caffeine. Pro tip: Real developers obsessively check every setting on new hardware, then never touch them again until the heat death of the universe. Or until Windows forces an update. Whichever comes first.

That moment when you swap your NVMe drive into a new PC and Windows freaks out about BitLocker encryption you didn't even know was enabled. Suddenly your precious data is held hostage behind a recovery key you never saved because "it'll be fine" was your security strategy. Nothing like that sinking feeling when your 200GB of "homework" folders and side projects from the last five years are locked behind Microsoft's digital fortress of doom.

Nothing quite like your own machine telling you that you lack the authority to modify a file on YOUR hardware that YOU paid for. The audacity. It's like being locked out of your own house by your doorbell. The rage is real. You're root. You're admin. You literally created this file 5 minutes ago. But somehow the OS has decided you're not worthy. Time to bust out sudo or right-click properties like a peasant and negotiate with your own computer for basic file access. Peak digital feudalism right here.

Microsoft's "modernization" of Word to save files to OneDrive by default has triggered the primal instinct of every IT professional who's ever lost data to the cloud. The King of the Hill reference perfectly captures that visceral need to maintain control of your own files. "I want to save to the documents folder... On my computer... That I own... In my house" isn't just a preference—it's a digital sovereignty declaration. Nothing says "trust issues" quite like wanting your files physically near you, where no internet outage, account suspension, or subscription lapse can separate you from that quarterly report you finished at 3 AM.