Haskell Is The Alternative If You Find Self-Harm Too Mainstream

Man sitting there with a straight face suggesting Haskell as the programming language of choice for those who think regular self-destruction isn't enough. Functional programming: where your mental health goes to die, but at least you'll have pure functions and no side effects. Except, you know, the side effect of questioning all your life choices at 3 AM while debugging a monad transformer stack.