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IT Guys Listening To Non IT People Talk About Computers

IT Guys Listening To Non IT People Talk About Computers
You know that look. The one where you're physically present but mentally calculating how many years of your life you've lost listening to someone explain that their computer is "broken" because they haven't tried turning it off and on again. Or when they call the monitor "the computer" and the actual tower "the hard drive." Or when they say their internet is down but they just closed the browser window. It's not anger. It's not even frustration anymore. It's transcendence. You've reached a zen-like state where you can smile and nod while internally screaming into the void. Every fiber of your being wants to correct them, but you've learned that explaining the difference between RAM and storage for the fifteenth time won't help. They'll still download more RAM next week.

When Non-IT People Start "Explaining" Computers

When Non-IT People Start "Explaining" Computers
You know that special kind of pain when your uncle starts explaining how "the WiFi is slow because too many megabytes are clogged in the router" or your manager confidently declares that "we just need to download more RAM"? That's the face right there. It's the internal screaming of every developer who has to sit through explanations about how "the cloud is just a big computer in the sky" or "HTML is a programming language, right?" The best part is you can't even correct them without sounding condescending, so you just sit there, nodding politely while your soul slowly exits your body. Every fiber of your being wants to interrupt with "Actually, that's not how TCP/IP works," but you know it'll lead to a 45-minute conversation where you'll somehow end up fixing their printer. Bonus points if they follow up with "You work with computers, right? Can you fix my iPhone?"

Zero Trust Architecture

Zero Trust Architecture
When your nephew just wants to play Roblox but you see "unmanaged, no antivirus, no encryption" and suddenly it's a full penetration test scenario. Guest VLAN? Check. Captive portal? Deployed. Bandwidth throttled to dial-up speeds? Absolutely. Blocking HTTP and HTTPS ports? Chef's kiss. The beautiful irony here is spending 45 minutes engineering a fortress-grade network isolation for a 12-year-old's iPad while your sister is having a meltdown about family bonding. But hey, you don't get to be an IT professional by trusting random devices on your network—even if they belong to family. The punchline? "Zero Trust architecture doesn't care about bloodlines." That's not just a joke—that's a lifestyle. Security policies don't have a "but it's family" exception clause. The kid learned a valuable lesson that day: compliance isn't optional, and Uncle IT runs a tighter ship than most enterprises. Thanksgiving might've been ruined, but that perimeter stayed secure. Priorities.

Peak Human Strength Required

Peak Human Strength Required
You know those power connectors that require the grip strength of a Greek god to unplug? Those 24-pin motherboard connectors that make you question whether you accidentally superglued them in? Yeah, those. While everyone's flexing about their bench press PRs, the real test of human strength is trying to disconnect those ridiculously tight cable connectors without ripping the entire motherboard out of the case. Bonus points if you manage to do it without your fingers slipping and punching yourself in the face. The engineers who designed these connectors clearly never had to service their own hardware.

Can't Unsee: The IT Resignation Glow

Can't Unsee: The IT Resignation Glow
That thousand-yard stare of a man who's finally escaped the hell of legacy code maintenance and 3AM production outages. After years of explaining to management why you can't just "add a small feature by tomorrow," you too can achieve this level of serene detachment. The transition from "let me check Stack Overflow" to "let me check my vacation photos" is the greatest upgrade in the tech stack of life. Notice the luggage - it's not full of clothes, it's full of documentation he never wrote and technical debt he's gleefully abandoning.

Losing A Few Packets

Losing A Few Packets
OH. MY. GOD. The sheer TRAUMA when your network drops a few packets! 💀 Drug dealers are all panicked like Mr. Krabs when they lose a "packet" - because, you know, that's actual MONEY and possibly JAIL TIME. Meanwhile, IT engineers are sitting there like fancy Mr. Krabs, sipping tea with their pinky out, utterly UNBOTHERED when network packets disappear into the void. TCP will literally resend that data faster than you can say "packet loss," darling! It's the ultimate networking flex - "Oh no! Anyway..." 💅

How I Fix Stuff Working In IT

How I Fix Stuff Working In IT
Ah, the sacred trinity of IT problem-solving! The blue section is practically my résumé: "Have you tried turning it off and on again?" — works 60% of the time, every time. Then there's the red slice of desperation: frantically Googling error messages while pretending you totally knew what "ERR_SOCKET_NOT_CONNECTED" meant all along. But my personal favorite is the green slice — that magical moment when you walk up to a user's desk and suddenly everything works perfectly. They look at you like you're some kind of tech wizard, while you're just standing there thinking, "I literally did nothing." The IT placebo effect is the closest thing to actual sorcery in our profession.

The Laptop That Screams "Don't Kill Me!"

The Laptop That Screams "Don't Kill Me!"
THE DRAMA OF SERVER LIFE! 😱 This laptop is literally BEGGING for its life with a note that screams "I'M A SERVER" in what can only be described as the most passive-aggressive plea in tech history. That poor machine is probably running some mission-critical application while Susan from accounting keeps trying to "fix it" by turning it off. HONEY, THAT'S NOT A FACEBOOK MACHINE! That's the reason the entire company can access their files! The absolute AUDACITY of people treating servers like regular laptops! Next time your IT person looks dead inside, this is why. They've taped one too many desperate notes to improvised server hardware.

Flush Mounted Engineering

Flush Mounted Engineering
When you've been in IT long enough, you start appreciating the finer things in life—like a USB receiver hammered so flush into the port that it's now a permanent hardware feature. Sure, you could use the little eject button they provide, but where's the primal satisfaction in that? Nothing says "senior developer" like hardware modifications that would make the warranty department cry. The best part? When someone asks for help removing it, you get to say "Have you tried turning it off and on again?" with a straight face while secretly knowing it's never coming out.

The Sacred Trinity Of IT Problem Solving

The Sacred Trinity Of IT Problem Solving
Oh, the GLORIOUS life of an IT professional! A pie chart revealing our deepest, darkest secret: 70% of our "technical wizardry" is just frantically hitting the restart button and praying to the silicon gods. Another 20%? Desperately Googling error messages while maintaining a face that says "I've seen this before." And that magical 10% - the "IT placebo effect" - where problems MIRACULOUSLY solve themselves the moment you grace the room with your presence. Users look at you like you're some kind of digital messiah when in reality you just stood there and EXISTED. The audacity of technology to make us look competent!

How I Fix Stuff Working In IT

How I Fix Stuff Working In IT
After 15 years in tech, I can confirm this pie chart is scientifically accurate. The blue slice representing "restart whatever isn't working" is basically our industry's version of percussive maintenance. That "IT placebo effect" is real too—walk into a room and suddenly the printer that's been jamming for 3 days works flawlessly. Users look at you like you're a wizard, but really you just interrupted whatever cosmic force was enjoying their suffering. And let's be honest, that quick Google search is just us typing "why the hell is [software] doing [weird thing]" and hoping someone on Stack Overflow had the same existential crisis.

When Your Tech Brain Hijacks Reality

When Your Tech Brain Hijacks Reality
Someone saw a building with "BIOS" lit up in the windows and immediately thought it was a gathering of hardcore IT professionals, only to realize it's just a New Year's decoration that reads "2018" backward. The classic case of tech brain taking over your perception of reality. When you've spent so many hours tweaking boot settings that you start seeing BIOS everywhere—even in innocent holiday decorations. The digital equivalent of seeing faces in electrical outlets.