Free Sauna With Every Zoom Call

Have you tried turning it off and back on again? Oh wait, it never turned on in the first place. The cardboard RTX 3050 might be your problem—turns out Amazon's "like new" condition isn't what it used to be. This is what happens when you tell your boss "we need to upgrade our hardware" and the budget approval comes back with "get creative." At least the fan is labeled "be quiet"—which is exactly what it's doing. The saddest part? This still has better airflow than my actual gaming rig.

The perfect corporate ouroboros doesn't exi— Nvidia just created the world's most expensive power strip that plugs into itself. $100 billion flows from Nvidia to OpenAI, only to flow right back to Nvidia for more GPUs. It's like watching a tech company play hot potato with its own money, except the potato is made of gold and nobody's actually passing it. Jensen Huang is basically that kid who gives you $20 to buy his lemonade, then brags about making $20 in sales. Except the lemonade costs $100 billion and requires a data center to cool it.

Ah, the irony of modern gaming. Your 3.30 GHz CPU is too powerful for a game that once ran on machines that couldn't even stream a cat GIF. Imagine having to sabotage your own hardware because some developer didn't account for the fact that computers have evolved since 1993. It's like buying a Ferrari and then removing the engine because the parking space is designed for a tricycle. The cherry on top is that 74.80 GB requirement - original DOOM fit on a few floppy disks, but now we need half a hard drive just to render the same demons in slightly higher resolution. Progress!

Ah, the classic "basic needs" hierarchy—but make it PC builder edition! While normies spend $31 on essential clothing, true tech enthusiasts drop $4,300 on computer parts that will be obsolete in 18 months. That RTX 4090 for $3000? Absolutely necessary for... um... checking emails more efficiently. And that $2000 monitor with a refresh rate higher than your bank account balance? It's not a want, it's a biological imperative . Who needs food when you can sustain yourself on the RGB glow from your $500 liquid cooling system?

Someone's waging war against the entire IT industry standards with this unholy abomination. The color-coding on cables and ports? Just a conspiracy by Big Cable to sell more wires! That yellow cable jammed into what's clearly not its matching port is the digital equivalent of putting pineapple on pizza. The blue tape-wrapped wires crammed into random pins would make any network engineer develop an eye twitch. Next up: "Firewalls are just a myth created by antivirus companies" and "Have you tried connecting your HDMI to the toilet? Works fine for me!"

The ancient GPU giving a thumbs up like "I'm not dead yet, suckers!" Nothing says tech necromancy like slathering fresh thermal paste on a graphics card old enough to vote. That GPU has survived four U.S. presidencies and still runs Garry's Mod without breaking a sweat. Meanwhile, it's googling "lossless scaling" like an elderly person discovering TikTok for the first time. "What's this newfangled technology? Back in my day, we rendered at native resolution and LIKED IT!"