All According To Keikaku

The true emergency protocol every developer follows! When the building's on fire, priorities remain crystal clear: save your code first, then maybe consider saving yourself. Nothing says "dedicated programmer" like making sure those precious commits are safely pushed to remote before evacuating a burning building. The sad part? Some of us would genuinely consider this a reasonable checklist. Your flesh can heal, but that unsaved feature branch? Irreplaceable.

The nuclear option for any developer with commit access. Nothing says "I choose violence today" quite like force-pushing to master without code review. In most companies, this is the digital equivalent of pulling the fire alarm while simultaneously deleting the production database. Five million dollars? Please. The sheer chaos you'd create would be priceless—and your termination paperwork would probably be processed before the build pipeline even finishes failing. Bonus points if you do it on a Friday at 4:59 PM right before a holiday weekend.

The soul-crushing TRAUMA of completing all your pull request tasks only to be AMBUSHED by SonarQube's code quality checks! 😱 There you are, thinking you're DONE, ready to push that glorious code... and BOOM! SonarQube shows up like an uninvited party guest screaming about your 47 code smells, 12 vulnerabilities, and that ONE line where you dared to use a deprecated method. The audacity! Your perfectly functional code is now apparently a CRIME AGAINST HUMANITY because you didn't follow some arbitrary coding standard that nobody mentioned until NOW. And fixing these issues? Just kiss your weekend goodbye, honey! 💅

THE TRAUMA IS REAL! This poor cat literally had to BLIND ITSELF after witnessing your spaghetti code disaster! 🙈 The ultimate code review gone wrong - one glimpse of those nested if-statements and unhandled exceptions, and Patches was like "NOPE, I CHOOSE DARKNESS FOREVER." The eye patch isn't fashion - it's SURVIVAL EQUIPMENT. Your commit history is now considered a war crime in 37 countries. Even Git refuses to blame anyone for it!

Looking in the mirror after your code mysteriously breaks for the 17th time today. Plot twist: you're the villain in your own development story. That moment of horrific self-awareness when you realize you've been hunting yourself all along. It's not a bug—it's a feature of your own making. The call is coming from inside the house!

Finally, a Git manual that doesn't sugarcoat the existential dread. git reset as "pretending your last few hours of work never happened" hits harder than any merge conflict. Every developer has experienced that moment of divine intervention with git rebase , playing God with the timeline while silently praying nothing breaks. And let's not forget git blame - the digital equivalent of pointing fingers during a production outage. This glossary should be mandatory reading before anyone's allowed to touch a repository.