Always Doom

OH. MY. GOD. The AUDACITY of game developers in 2023! 💀 There you are, innocently browsing Steam for some summer gaming bliss, when suddenly—BAM!—you're slapped in the face with system requirements that might as well say "Sorry, peasant, go buy NASA's supercomputer first." Your pathetic little potato PC is sitting in the corner, practically weeping while the shiny new games flaunt their need for 32GB RAM, the latest GPU that costs more than your rent, and storage space that could fit the entire Library of Congress. Meanwhile, your 5-year-old graphics card is having an existential crisis just trying to render the game's TRAILER. The gaming industry has basically created a caste system where your hardware determines if you're royalty or a street urchin begging for frames per second!

So you innocently browse Patreon's top-funded games section out of pure curiosity about indie game development trends, and suddenly you're hit with the realization that adult games are absolutely dominating the funding charts. That sophisticated cat in a business suit reading the newspaper? That's you, calmly processing this market research while thinking "maybe my indie studio pivot should be more... strategic." The "One-Handed Games" studio name is chef's kiss level wordplay—because obviously you'd need one hand free for... holding your coffee while playtesting. Right? The adult game industry on Patreon is genuinely massive, with some projects pulling in $50k+ monthly. Turns out horny gamers have better monetization than most SaaS startups. Who needs venture capital when you've got visual novel enthusiasts with credit cards? The sophisticated cat format captures that exact moment when your brain goes from "I'm just researching game dev" to "wait, these numbers are insane" to "I should learn Ren'Py" in about 3.5 seconds.

The eternal Steam sale paradox strikes again! Why buy one game you'll actually play when you can buy 17 games that will sit untouched in your library forever? It's like version control without the commits – we hoard possibilities rather than actual gameplay. The dopamine hit from clicking "purchase" is apparently worth more than the game itself. And don't pretend your backlog isn't already longer than your Git blame history.

Publishers when game devs start talking about intricate world-building, market analysis, and detailed roadmaps: I sleep Publishers when they see actual gameplay footage: REAL SHIT! Every indie dev learns this painful truth eventually. You can have 50 spreadsheets of market data and the most epic lore bible since Tolkien, but publishers just want to see if your game looks fun for 30 seconds. The business side wants the sizzle reel, not your 400-page design document that took 6 months to write!

The great GPU drowning of 2023! While the high-end RTX 5080 and 4090 giraffes stand tall in the deep end smugly claiming "Unreal Engine 5 is working smooth af," all the budget cards are desperately trying to keep their heads above water. That poor RTX 2060 is basically underwater at this point. Nothing quite captures the existential dread of trying to run modern game engines on aging hardware. Epic Games be like "minimum requirements: whatever card was released yesterday." Meanwhile, game devs are nodding sympathetically while secretly adding another particle system that'll bring your GPU to its knees.

The gaming industry's latest AI disclosure is peak irony. The game proudly announces "Our team uses generative AI tools to help develop some in game assets" while charging €79.99 for the privilege. Meanwhile, the shocked alien face perfectly captures what we're all thinking: "NO 70$ AI SLOP???" It's the perfect storm of modern gaming: charging premium prices for content partially created by AI, while having the audacity to brag about it in the marketing. And that 43% positive review score? *Chef's kiss* The perfect garnish on this AI-generated disappointment platter. Notice the 2025 release date too - we're literally paying top dollar to beta test tomorrow's AI experiments. The future of gaming is here, and it costs exactly €79.99!