Must Be A DDoS Attack

Ah, the seven deadly archetypes of every engineering team. I've worked with all of these people, and I've been all these people—sometimes in the same sprint. My personal favorite is "The Silent Operator" who hasn't spoken since the company holiday party of 2019 but somehow commits the exact fix at 2 AM while everyone else is arguing in Slack. And don't get me started on "The System Rebuilder." Sure, event sourcing sounds amazing in theory—right up until you're explaining to the CEO why the shopping cart needs six months of refactoring. The real unicorn is someone who's none of these. If you find them, lock the door and hide their passport.

Imagine building the Great Pyramids without being able to git checkout -b new-pharaoh-idea . Those poor ancient devs had to drag 2-ton stone blocks around with zero rollback capability. One architect accidentally puts a block in the wrong place and it's like "Well, guess we're stuck with that bug in production for the next 4,500 years." No wonder they carved hieroglyphics everywhere—that was literally their commit log. "Added another pointy layer, please don't touch, signed ~Imhotep."

The five stages of grief, but make it hardware failure. Someone's hard drive went from "perfectly fine" to "abstract art installation" real quick. What starts as a normal HDD standing upright gradually transforms into increasingly creative interpretations of what a hard drive could be. First it's standing, then lying flat, then someone thought "what if we bent it a little?" and finally achieved the ultimate form: a hard drive sandwich with extra platters. The title "So Many Levels" is chef's kiss because it works on multiple levels itself (pun absolutely intended). Physical levels of the drive's position, levels of destruction, and levels of desperation when you realize your backup strategy was "I'll do it tomorrow." Fun fact: those shiny platters inside spin at 7200 RPM, which is roughly the same speed your heart rate reaches when you hear that clicking sound. RAID stands for Redundant Array of Independent Disks, but after seeing this, it clearly stands for "Really Avoid Inadequate Disaster-planning."

Ah, the mythical code review in startup land! While established companies have rigorous PR processes with multiple approvers and nitpicky comments about your variable naming conventions, startups operate in the "move fast and break production" paradigm. Your code gets merged straight to main with zero eyeballs on it because there's no time for pesky quality checks when you're disrupting industries and burning through Series A funding. The best code reviewer you'll get is the exception that crashes the app at 2 AM, forcing you to debug your own spaghetti code while chugging energy drinks. Remember: in startup world, it's not a bug—it's an undocumented feature waiting for the next hotfix!

Your CPU is basically that strict parent interrogating Docker about its absolutely OBSCENE resource consumption. "Docker, Docker" gets a sweet "Yes papa" response. But then things take a dark turn when papa CPU asks about eating RAM, and Docker straight-up denies it like a toddler with chocolate smeared all over their face. Same with telling lies. But the MOMENT papa CPU says "Open your mouth!" we see the truth: com.docker.hyperkit casually munching on 9.06 GB of memory like it's a light snack. Busted! Nothing says "lightweight containerization" quite like your Docker daemon treating your RAM like an all-you-can-eat buffet while swearing it's on a diet.

THE ULTIMATE REVENGE PLOT! Behold the glorious moment of sweet, sweet vengeance as our unpaid intern commits the cardinal sin of tech - exposing the company's API key to the ENTIRE INTERNET! 💅 That's right, honey! After months of free labor and "experience," they're leaving a parting gift that'll have the senior devs SCREAMING at 2AM when the AWS bill hits astronomical levels. The digital equivalent of burning the building down on your way out. Petty? Perhaps. Justified? ABSOLUTELY. Now some random hacker can enjoy all those premium services the company was too cheap to pay their interns for!