The Face Of Dev At 4:30AM

Content Compiler: Error at line 40 Me: "What? How? My code only has 30 lines Compiler:

Content ?php header ("Content-type: texthtml; charsetutf-8"); This is a warning to any poor soul who may have to deal with this code. I took over this criminal piece of chaos from a monkey named Joel who I assume had been given a typewriter by Mephistopheles himself. For reasons I have yet been unable to fathom, he decided to patch together this thing using a Base setup hardwired into an unfixably broken Manjaro VM, queried by a handwritten plate of uncommented PHP spaghetti fit to feed an army of people with a serious death wish, without any framework or CMS. The very long BaseX script, very long PH presenter and very long XSLT stylesheet mostly perform the same heuristic document structuring for different components and are supposed to produce compatible results, but I bet they have mismatches somewhere. Since Prof. T just wanted a few small functional enhancements, I decided to just patch it and keep the general setup. Unless you were hired to correct some spelling mistakes, DO NOT FOLLOW IN MY STEPS. Putting up with this simulation of how a goldfish would design a system has literally given me CLINICAL DEPRESSION. This is not an exaggeration, I am writing this after a prolonged medical therapy - mostly successful, thanks for asking, but not fun. I wouldn't wish this code on anybody who isn't a manager at Oracle or Facebook, and therefore give you this sincere advice: Nuke this. Take the XSLT if you must, and then nuke the app and recreate it in Django or whatever works for you. I would do it myself, but I risked a relapse simply by opening this file again to write this comment. Dear brother or sister, I wish you all the luck and strength in the world and hope it will be enough. Farewell. error reporting (E ALL); ini set ("display errors", true); print('?xml version"1.0" encodina"UTF-8" ?'. "In"):?

Content Things I have learnt from this subreddit as a non programmer - Users just do things that they are not supposed to do and It looks like they are purposely trying to break the code. - Legacy code is written and understood only by gods and they only way to convert it into modern code is to fucking write the thing from scratch. - Jobs require ungodly amount of experience. They want a full stack developer EVERY FUCKING TIME. - Senior devs have given up on life and they just do just enough to get their salaries. They work on production just for the thriller. - There is a communication gap between the client and the programmer just because of the fucking management. - You should never work on the main branch and push things to production but its the norm. - Debugging is staring at the code until it works again. - Programmers just copy and paste code. The only real programmers to ever exist are Terry Davis and some random people who maintain libraries that are responsible for doing math on every computer on the planet. - There is just some mystery code in every codebase that appears to do nothing but when removed sets everything in flames. It is usually commented "Don't touch". - If you ask anything on StackOverflow, Its a stupid question. - Sales teams tell the client that the devs can make everything happen even if its computationally impossible. - Its better to take 5 hours solving bugs rather than spend 5 minutes reading the documentation. Programmers don't have lives anyways. - If you are seeking to learn programming learn JavaScript. The next step is to find a new career

Content thiznovacaine curiosityandcode Follow What I say: I'm a computer science major. What people hear: I can resolve any tech issue you have ever or will ever have on any machine that exists in this universe. I am jacked into the Matrix at all times. I am the IT god. Look upon me and despair. What I mean: Sometimes I try to tell the computer to do something and I cry when it doesn't work. Source: gadsworth 1,923 notes 17

The pinnacle of software engineering: a digital clock implementation that would make computer science professors weep. This masterpiece features arrays with missing values, commented out time libraries (because who needs those?), nested loops that would make Dante add another circle to hell, and the iconic comment "//fuck i++" which perfectly captures the developer's spiritual journey. Yet somehow, against all laws of programming and human decency, the output shows a working clock counting from 11:56 to 00:02. It's the coding equivalent of building a rocket with duct tape and prayers—and watching it actually reach orbit.

Content DEBUGGING MONKEYUSER.COM