Be Null My Friend

OH. MY. GOD. That sweet, sweet message from GitHub: "This branch has no conflicts with the base branch." It's like finding a unicorn riding a rainbow! Developers spend CENTURIES of their lives resolving merge conflicts, sobbing into their keyboards while trying to figure out why everyone keeps modifying the same three lines of code. But then THIS happens—a clean merge—and suddenly life has meaning again! It's the programming equivalent of finding out your crush likes you back. PURE. ECSTASY. 💚

Someone opened a GitHub issue titled "Love #822" with the message "I need a gf" only to have it promptly closed as "not planned" by a contributor who replied "Sorry to hear that." Romance: the one feature request that even the most comprehensive project roadmap doesn't include. Trust me, I've been maintaining codebases longer than some of you have been alive, and relationships are the one dependency that never resolves cleanly.

Nothing strikes more fear into a developer's heart than asking for code review. The bear in the forest is just your senior dev who'd rather maul you than look at your 47 file changes with the comment "fixed stuff." The perfect survival strategy: create a PR so terrible that everyone suddenly develops selective blindness. Works on bears, tech leads, and that one architect who hasn't written actual code since Java 6.

The unsung hero of DevOps. That one engineer who migrated Jenkins to GitHub Actions before it was cool is basically Batman in the server room. Nobody thanked them at the time, and nobody ever will. They just silently watch as new hires enjoy the fruits of their labor without knowing the horrors of the Jenkins configuration hell they were spared from. Some heroes don't wear capes—they just have really good Git credentials and too much caffeine in their system.

The eternal workplace dichotomy exposed! Designers panic when new talent arrives—"Am I not enough?" they sob, fearing their pixel-perfect creations will be outshined. Meanwhile, engineers channel their inner Caesar from Planet of the Apes with "Apes together strong," embracing the reinforcements like it's another node in their distributed system. Why? Because designers fight for creative ownership while engineers know that more hands means someone else can debug that legacy codebase nobody wants to touch. The git commit history doesn't care who wrote it, just that it works!

OH. MY. GOD. The absolute HORROR of what this junior dev just confessed! 😱 Changing your Git config to impersonate your senior devs and then pushing a bug to production?! That's not just coding crime—that's a full-blown IDENTITY THEFT CATASTROPHE! This poor soul thought they were just being clever, but they've basically committed the developer equivalent of framing someone for MURDER. The senior dev's face says it all—pure existential panic because guess who's getting blamed when everything crashes and burns? NOT THE INNOCENT-LOOKING CULPRIT! This is why we can't have nice things in software development. Trust? DESTROYED. Career? POSSIBLY OVER. Code review processes? CLEARLY NONEXISTENT!