Bethesda Be Like

BETHESDA STUDIOS, I'M BEGGING YOU! Stop re-releasing Skyrim and give us a new Elder Scrolls already! The audacity of rejecting a new game (TES VI) to instead milk every last septim out of Skyrim (14 years old) and now they're digging up MORROWIND (20 years old)!? I've bought Skyrim on more platforms than I've had relationships! At this point, Todd Howard could sell me a sweet roll in real life and I'd probably buy that too. THE HORSE ARMOR WAS JUST THE BEGINNING OF THE MADNESS!

Behold the majestic stick figure - the pinnacle of programmer art! When code wizards are forced to venture beyond their comfort zone of beautiful brackets and elegant functions, this masterpiece emerges. It's that magical moment when your boss says "we can't afford a designer" and suddenly your CS degree transforms you into Picasso with MS Paint skills. The artistic vision is... minimalist? Yeah, let's call it minimalist. 🎨

Meta spent $13 billion on their "Horizon" metaverse and all they got was avatars that look like they were rendered on a potato. "Legs are coming soon!" is the kind of feature announcement you'd expect from a game in 2003, not something that cost twice Electronic Arts' annual revenue. At this rate, Mark's going to need another $50 billion just to add eyebrows that don't look haunted. Meanwhile, The Sims 3 from 2009 is over here with fully functioning humans that can already woohoo in hot tubs.

The ultimate graphics card rebellion! This stick figure dictator has had enough of hyper-realistic ray-traced games where you can count individual arm hairs in 8K resolution. It's the perfect satire of how we've gone from "graphics don't matter, gameplay does!" to spending $3000 on GPUs just to see realistic water physics that we'll ignore after 5 minutes. The punishment? Back to text adventures and visual novels where your imagination has to do the heavy lifting. No DLSS or frame rate counters—just pure YOU ARE IN A MAZE OF TWISTY LITTLE PASSAGES, ALL ALIKE energy. Somewhere, a hardcore Dwarf Fortress player is nodding in approval.

OMG, the AUDACITY of Death coming for the GTX 1060 only to discover we're all STILL clinging to it like it's the last slice of pizza at 3am! 💀 In this economy? With those GPU prices? HONEY, PLEASE! We'll be running Cyberpunk at 17 fps on medium settings until the heat death of the universe and LOVING EVERY MINUTE OF IT! The Grim Reaper showing up all dramatic only to find out we're too broke and stubborn to upgrade is the most relatable tech tragedy of our generation!

Ah, the beautiful irony of modern gaming! Kingdom Come: Deliverance 2 with its hyper-realistic medieval graphics only needs a modest GTX 1060 to run. Meanwhile, Borderlands 4 with its cartoony cell-shaded style demands an RTX 2070 minimum. It's like needing a supercomputer to run MS Paint while Photoshop runs on a calculator. Game engine optimization is clearly an arcane art that defies logic. The real medieval warfare isn't in the game—it's in your wallet fighting to afford unnecessary GPU upgrades for stylized graphics. Somewhere, a graphics programmer is cackling maniacally while writing the most inefficient shader code possible for those cartoon outlines.