The Localhost Escape Hatch

OH. MY. GOD. The absolute AUDACITY of these job listings! 💀 Recruiters out here casually asking for someone who can juggle 17 different technologies spanning three programming languages, two frontend frameworks, three databases, four AWS services, Linux admin skills, testing methodologies, containerization, AND orchestration... all while probably offering "competitive salary" (translation: barely above minimum wage). Honey, they're not looking for a "Full Stack Developer" - they're looking for an ENTIRE COMPANY crammed into one exhausted human body! What's next? "Must also make coffee, unclog toilets, and occasionally perform heart surgery"?!

Content This is Mike Mike's job is to write highly performant code that can work under load and handle lots of requests concurrently. His apps also have to be highly precise and reliable - all user inputs must be thoroughly validated, concurrent requests must not interfere with each other, there must be absolutelv no vulnerabilities. Mike needs to know how to find the best compromise between pertormance and data consistency: when to invalidate the cache, whether or not to wait for database write acknowledgement, and so on. He also needs to assume that his code will run in a cloud environment. in volatile containers that can de destroved at any time. Mike is a backend developer. This is Jane Jane's job is to write apps that will run on 200 different versions of 10 different platforms, on thousands of different devices with various screen sizes. All these devices must de able to downiodd, parse and oootstrap Jane's code in under 200 milliseconds. Jane works with a complex state tree that can be modified by various kinds of events, and the app's UI must be instantly updated to reflect these changes in the most efficient manner possible. Jane needs to know how to do code splitting, responsive lavout, render virtualization, serverside rendering, handle browser-specific quirks, and so on. Jane is a frontend developer. This is Bob Bob thinks that Mike is a real developer, but Jane isn't. RoD is a moron

Content HER: I bet he's thinking about his ex. HIM: Equals-equals equals equals, therefor equals does not equal equals-equals, except in JavaScript where equals-equals-equals really equals equals while equals-equals kinda equals equals, which means equals-equals doesn't truely equal equals-equals-equals...

Content 30 MINUTES INTO REFACTORING A "SIMPLE FUNCTION" EDGE CASES, EDGE CASES EVERYWHERE

Content THIS IS BILL BILLIS A IS DEVELOPER BILL DIDN'T CREATE A NEW IS FRAMEWORK OVER THE WEEKEND BILLIS SMART, BE LIKE BILL imgfip.com

Content "Man, vour programming language really sucks" PHP devs JavaScrint devs "Nooooooo 90 of web pages are written in PHP it's a good language and it will remain useful for a long time" "Yes"